Dear BaE Volume 9: Edgy Memes
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BAE,
This question is for Bono. Over the span of U2’s existence, how many times have you been on the receiving end of this look from Edge? (Photo follows.)
Respectfully,
Kevin P.
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Edge: Oh my God. What was happening there?
Fake Bono: Knowing our dynamic, you were probably trying to reframe one of my more flighty statements so as to make it palatable for the American TV audience.
Fake Edge: Oh. So that’s how I look when I’m translating from Bongolese to English in real time.
Fake Bono: Sure. Anyway, hello there, Kevin, and thanks for your strange question. Not to get off track, but just as I was mulling over how to reply, my beloved youngest offspring glanced over my shoulder at the screen and cackled. A short time later, I received the following text:
Fake Edge: Oh no. Unacceptable. Attention, youngest-spawn-of-Fake-B: this is Not Cool.
Fake Bono: Indeed. This is some ageist malarkey from my youngest, tallest progeny. And his Photoshop skills leave much to be desired.
Fake Edge: Yeah. You can see where he tried to kind of paint in the background.
Fake Bono: When I asked him, he said that this is a “meme” and that it is “edgy.” I said, of course it’s edgy; it’s got Edge in it. Haha.
Fake Edge: Oh Bono, no…
Fake Bono: The youngest issue of my loins then urged me to tell our readers that we have an “edgy meme,” because it would enhance our relevance amongst the young people.
Fake Edge: Oh, that is probably not a good idea.
Fake Bono: But he must have had second thoughts, because a few minutes later he crept back into my office, leaned down from his towering height, and admitted that no one actually says “edgy memes” anymore and that under no circumstances was I to utter the phrase, type the phrase, or even think the phrase in the presence of a clairvoyant.
Fake Edge: Dodged a bullet there, B.
Fake Bono: All of my children are brilliant and kind-hearted.
Fake Edge: I agree. Check your texts now, by the way.
Fake Bono: Okay… Oh, look what you did.
Fake Edge: Current Bono is always the best Bono. It’s just a fact.
Fake Bono: Young Me has turned quite pale with envy!
Dear BaE,
Care to comment on the fan-encounter stories found elsewhere on this site? Bono, do you recall stealing toast in Atlanta, and Edge, can you still tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue?
Kylle Dednoting
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: Hello Kylle, if that is indeed your real name. Did I steal toast in Atlanta? First, let’s define stealing. Is it stealing if you simply take something that has been abandoned and its ultimate destination is the trash? That’s not stealing. That’s merely preventing waste, and I for one am scandalized by the amount of food waste that goes on in the Western world. So if by “steal” you mean “rescuing perfectly good and valuable food from the bin,” then yes, Kylle, I stole that toast, and I’d bloody well do it again!
Fake Edge: You okay?
Fake Bono: ...Yes. I’m fine. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get huffy. It’s just...I haven’t been on a proper stage in so long. I miss being able to alert our audience to important issues.
Fake Edge: There, there. I can talk about cherry stems, if you like.
Fake Bono: Oh, you absolutely must! I remember that stunt vividly.
Fake Edge: You do?
Fake Bono: Viv. Id. Ly. Can you still do it?
Fake Edge: It’s been a while, but I’d imagine it’s like riding a bike. If I had a cherry stem handy right now, I might be a little rusty, but I’m sure I’d be able to do it.
Fake Bono: I’ve tried, but I can never quite make that end go back through the loop. What’s your secret?
Fake Edge: Magicians never reveal their secrets.
Fake Bono: You’re not a magician; you’re a sorceror.
Fake Edge: Well, it’s not especially remarkable. Just years of practice.
Fake Bono: You don’t say?
Fake Edge: Along with the ability to mentally disable the pharyngeal reflex for short periods of time.
Dear BaE,
I need to know what your sneeze styles are for scientific, not weird, reasons. Thank you.
Carina B.
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Edge: Huh. Kind of hard to believe that for all the thousands of photos people have taken of U2, and for all the miles of film footage devoted to us, no one has captured us sneezing.
Fake Bono: Well, maybe they have, but our friend Carina has missed it. I certainly don’t remember seeing us sneezing on film or in photos. Or hearing! We’ve not included any sneezes in our music.
Fake Edge: …yet.
Fake Bono: ...Edge? Hello?
Fake Edge: Oh my god. YET.
Fake Bono: Uh-oh. Carina, I wish you could see this man when inspiration strikes. His face becomes even more otherworldly, and his body positively crackles with electricity. Edge, let me see your arms.
Fake Edge: YET!
Fake Bono: Just as I suspected. Every hair on those furry and talented forearms is standing at attention.
Fake Edge: Sneezing! This changes everything! Are we almost done here, B? Because—
Fake Bono: You’re dismissed. And Carina, for the record, Edge sneezes with gusto. It becomes a shuddering, entire-body event that often incorporates a brief scream. He seems to enjoy sneezing a great deal. And this may surprise you, but my sneeze is rather dainty. My throat, nose, lungs, and vocal cords are worth millions, possibly billions, and I’ve trained myself to protect my instrument.
[ah-choo!]
And that’s another column for the history books, U2 fans—you lovely basket of frolicsome pups! Nothing from the Sams* this time, just a few words from our countryman, the poet Seamus Heaney:
Believe that a farther shore
Is reachable from here.
Believe in miracles
And cures and healing wells.
Don’t be afraid. We love you!
*Bongolese for “Psalm”
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.