Dear BaE Volume 8: Sunscreen

Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!

Dear BaE,

Did you realize that cartoon versions of yourselves made a brief appearance on the Netflix gross-out cartoon Big Mouth (season 4, episode 1)? Kelly spotted you, and PJ took screen shots for your amusement. The scene in question puts you in a public swimming pool, and lifeguard Coach Steve is yelling at a couple of kids, "I don't want to hear you two cursing in the pool...unless, of course, you're U2 cursing." Bono curses mildly while applying sunscreen dispensed by Edge. Reactions?

Love,

The Management

Kelly and PJ

Fort Lee, NJ

PS Did you like the pineapple on that pizza, Bono?

Fake Bono: Merciful heavens.

Fake Edge: It’s not much of a joke...I feel like at least one of the writers must be a U2 fan, and they used any excuse to draw us and put us in the scene. If so, I’m touched.

Fake Bono: My children tell me that Big Mouth is an inclusive, popular, and often disgusting show about puberty. This kind of appearance can only increase our relevance, Edge.

Fake Edge: Should we point out the inaccuracies first?

Fake Bono: Of course. First, they have no understanding of your nose. It’s perfectly elegant, and it does not dominate your face like that. Someone should write a manifesto about it. Second, your eyes are green, not blue.

Fake Edge: People tend to make me look like Serj Tankian from System of a Down. And he’s an attractive man, but-- 

Fake Bono: He’s nowhere near as attractive as you.

Fake Edge: Cartoon You is actually better than most, but they gave you a Tony Stark-like beard.

Fake Bono: Yes. It’s overly dark and manicured. I haven’t worn sunglasses like that in six or seven years. Our mouths are too big, but I suppose they have to be since that’s the title of the show.

Fake Edge: On to the positives. I’m blown away by the chest hair accuracy.

Fake Bono: Yes, well done. That artist spent much time in careful study. Your cheekbones are magnificent, and your eyes express the right amount of tender melancholy typically seen on the faces of geniuses.

Fake Edge: Your little belly has not been ignored.

Fake Bono: Fine.

Fake Edge: And bravo to the artist for resurrecting my Discotheque vest. I really should look into wearing vests again.

Fake Bono: I would like to clarify that you are not my personal sunscreen valet. I don’t pay you to provide my skin with sun protection.

Fake Edge: I do it free of charge.

Fake Bono: Finally, to answer your pineapple-on-pizza question, dear Management, it’s not bad.

Fake Edge: YES.

Fake Bono: But it’s not good, either. It occupies a mysterious gray area.

And that’s all we have time for today, U2 fans, you adorable children curled up on the couch and watching your horrifying cartoons! As King Solomon once sang (Song of Solomon 7:8), “May your breasts be like clusters of grapes, and the fragrance of your breath like apricots.” We love you!

Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions related to U2 and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.

Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.

©Dednoting/Renegado, 2020.