Dear BaE Volume 7: Pineapple
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in their tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
What would you say is your heaviest, most rock and roll song you have released?
Eric (@snowpen on Twitter)
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Edge: I’m gonna make this really easy. It’s “The Fly.” Next question.
Fake Bono: Now wait a minute. Surely we have other songs we could at least discuss.
Fake Edge: All right. Give me your top ten, and I’ll tell you why they don’t rock as hard as “The Fly.” And I’m prepared to be brutal about this, so proceed with caution, B. No hurt feelings?
Fake Bono: No hurt feelings. Okay. “Bullet The Blue Sky.”
Fake Edge: Too slow. Audiences just stand there kind of grooving.
Fake Bono: Sexily grooving.
Fake Edge: Fine, but still slow.
Fake Bono: “Acrobat.”
Fake Edge: I can’t allow a bloody waltz to be our heaviest song.
Fake Bono: “Sunday Bloody Sunday.”
Fake Edge: I feel like I’m abandoning one of my own children when I say this, but no. Too...I don’t know...too march-y.
Fake Bono: “The Electric Co.” Come on.
Fake Edge: You turned it into your own Broadway showcase. “Send In The Clowns”? Stephen Sondheim? No.
Fake Bono: “Vertigo,” “Mofo,” “Breathe”?
Fake Edge: I’m always slightly embarrassed when I play my little chuck-a sounds during the verses; comes to a complete standstill at the bridge; contains an actual cello.
Fake Bono: “The Miracle (Of Joey Ramone)”? “The Blackout”?
Fake Edge: Are you telling me you think either of those even comes close to rocking harder than “The Fly”?
Fake Bono: It’s “The Fly,” then. It’s always been “The Fly.”
Fake Edge: The others never stood a chance.
Dear BaE,
Lately I've noticed actual hip young people with mullets that appear to be only semi-ironic. This week Bono was named People magazine's sexiest man at age 60. Do you think this indicative of a cultural shift? Is U2 becoming...cool?
Samantha
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Edge: First, I agree with People’s assessment.
Fake Bono: Aw, thank you, The Edge. I’ve already nominated you for next year.
Fake Edge: And second, the mullet renaissance is definitely happening. If you ever wanted to revisit that look, the time is now.
Fake Bono: Not on your life! I continue my staunch belief that a man should never look as if his hair has been ironed.
Fake Edge: Bono…when, in the last 20 years, has your hair not had at least a nodding acquaintance with looking ironed?
Fake Bono: How dare you.
Fake Edge: Third, I think we owe a debt of gratitude to those YouTube kids who are discovering and reacting to our music. IF we’re marginally cool again, I think they’re the main reason why.
Fake Bono: I’ve seen those kids. I adore those kids!
Fake Edge: Watch her fall in love with you at 1:58. Then: “I ain’t gonna lie: he was fine. He was FINE-fine.”
Fake Bono: Was?
Fake Edge: Is.
Dear BaE,
Photo evidence suggests real B&E are both pizza enthusiasts. Is pineapple as a pizza topping an inspired salty-sweet sensation or a culinary atrocity?
Zoe (@Zoe2u2 on Twitter)
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: Atrocity!
Fake Edge: Sensation!
Fake Bono: Atrocity! And I’ll tell you why.
Fake Edge: Here we go...
Fake Bono: Pizza…is like a beautiful woman. Come una bella donna. A beautiful woman does not need elaborate clothing or accessories. If anything, these bits and bobs and trinkets detract from her beauty. I mean, the best part of any BBC costume drama is the moment the heroine takes off her powdered wig and her crinoline and her petticoats and her corset and—
Fake Edge: Bono.
Fake Bono: —and that is why a truly good pizza features only the most traditional Italian ingredients: a good thin crust, real mozzarella, fresh basil, and of course a thick, rich, toothsome tomato sauce.
Fake Edge: “Traditional Italian ingredients,” you say?
Fake Bono: Si, Signor Il Edge.
Fake Edge: Come with me to the kitchen.
Fake Bono: This is highly unorthodox, but I’ll allow it. (Readers, we’re in Edge’s California home, by the way.)
Fake Edge: (Fake celebrities can indulge in unlimited travel opportunities during pandemics.) What if I told you that the tomato has its origins in Central and South America and was only brought to Europe by Spanish conquistadors in the fifteenth century?
Fake Bono: Here we go...[sits at the kitchen counter and begins drawing on an envelope].
Fake Edge: While putting pineapple on pizza did not originate in California, it certainly is popular here. The fruit is South American, along with tomatoes, corn, and any number of important Italian ingredients. California is closer to Central and South America than New York and especially Italy are.
Fake Bono: (Maybe I should just make them dots...yes, that works. Perfect.)
Fake Edge: So in geographic terms, I think the argument could be made that pizza with pineapple is more authentic than regular New York pizza. [Retrieves an assemble-your-own-pizza kit from the refrigerator, where many others can be seen, and gets to work.]
Fake Bono: I suppose you could make any argument you like no matter how lame. (Heh, his hands are so dainty.) That was a semi-impressive presentation, but unfortunately for you, location and authenticity have nothing to do with flavor.
Fake Edge: Have you ever actually tried pineapple on pizza, B?
Fake Bono: No. Because it is an atrocity.
Fake Edge: Look, I’m making this pizza your way, but I’m going to put pineapple on my side, and in the interest of science, I’ll place one little tiny piece of pineapple on your side, and you will try it [cuts into a pineapple and gives Fake Bono a bit].
Fake Bono: I’ve eaten pineapple before, Edge, and yes, it is delicious.
Fake Edge: Well, don’t eat too much of it because raw pineapple contains an enzyme that eats and digests the skin inside your mouth and can cause a stinging sensation.
Fake Bono: Enzyme? Atrocity!
Fake Edge: The enzyme cooks off after the pineapple caramelizes a bit, so don’t worry.
Fake Bono: [returns to drawing] (Weirdo. Doesn’t even know how to fold pizza.)
Fake Edge: [studies the tiny piece of pineapple that will go on Bono’s side] Also it’s a beautiful yellow accent that just looks pretty on top, wouldn’t you say? It reminds me of your hair five years ago.
Fake Bono: During the early days of the i+e tour? Yes, it was indeed that pale shade of yellow.
Fake Edge: It positively glowed under the lights. I loved being able to look out and see your head shining like a yellow beacon at the other end of the arena.
Fake Bono: My hair caramelized a bit over the course of the tour.
Fake Edge: It was truly beautiful. I don’t care what anyone says.
Fake Bono: That was an incredible tour. So groundbreaking.
Fake Edge: God, I miss being on the road.
Fake Bono: Me, too.
Fake Edge: Let’s eat some pizza and write some songs.
Fake Bono: Yes.
Fake Edge: Fun drawings, by the way.
Fake Bono: Thanks! …Oh no.
Fake Edge: What?
Fake Bono: This is terrible. That first letter. We forgot all about “Until the End of the World.” It rocks, Edge. It rocks so damned hard.
Fake Edge: Oh. Of course. But you know, that song is kind of a loaded topic for us, considering the live performances, with the—
Fake Bono: Taunting, stalking, kissing, forehead-wrestling, and you sort of attacking me with your guitar while I beg you to stop?
Fake Edge: Yeah. That. Dammit.
Fake Bono: Aaaand that’s another column in the bin, U2 fans—you beribboned box of chocolates! I’m afraid we’re leaving you on a bit of a cliffhanger: will I eat the tiny piece of pineapple? Will I like it, or will I hate it? Tune in next time to find out!
We are so thrilled to be here with you in our new home.
I’m going to step out of my comfort zone today and borrow a little blessing from the Unitarians: “May beauty reign here, and lovely objects renew us by their silence and perfection. I wish for you, in this sheltered place, the freedom, calm, and leisure to play and explore.” We love you.
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions related to U2 and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.
© @U2/Dednoting/Renegado, 2020. Drawings by JP Renegado, 2020.