Dear BaE Volume 10: Horoscopes
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
I have an urgent need for Fake B & E horoscopes.
@thylacine_queen
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: Your wish is our command, Queen! Oh Edge, this could be fun.
Fake Edge: Do you know anything about astrology?
Fake Bono: No. Do you?
Fake Edge: No.
Fake Bono: Seriously, though, how hard could it be? And instead of predictions, maybe we could tailor this to our audience. What are U2 Aries fans like? What are U2 Virgo fans like? Et cetera.
Fake Edge: I’m sure we could find some kind of chart that would help us with descriptions.
Fake Bono: Then instead of ending with lucky numbers, let’s send them on their way with a lyric, what do you think?
Fake Edge: Yes. Let’s call this a special edition, all-horoscopes Dear BaE.
Fake Bono: Let’s do it!
Aries March 21 – April 19
Fake Bono: Aries fans love to bring non-fans along to our shows, so they can prove their expertise by explaining what is about to happen every step of the way—loudly and in loving detail. Aries pays close attention to setlists, yet they are enthusiastic and energetic. Masters of GA dancing, they can sustain constant vertical motion with the grace of a piston coated in a fine synthetic motor oil. Aries fans tend to roll their eyes when we get “political,” but we know that deep down they really do care about ending AIDS and extreme poverty.
Wait for me; I’m running late, always.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Fake Edge: There’s so much to love about our Taurus fans: they’re gregarious and reliable, and God knows U2 fans have to possess vast reserves of patience, which they have in spades. I’m sure that when Bono gazes out at our audience, he can immediately recognize those who belong to his warm-hearted tribe. And yet. [whispers] I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you were line nazis.
When the soul wants, the soul waits.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Fake Bono: Gemini, please know that you are brilliant and unpredictable. But I must draw you into a private chat room. Are you here? Great. I’m saying this from a place of love, okay? Look, I need you to know that it is not cool to claim extra space in GA by putting your stuff on the floor. Nor is it acceptable to claim extra space by repeatedly bumping into a stranger until you force them to move away. You have the right to exactly one person-space of room, which may vary, of course, depending on your size. But you are not actually two people, so you may not encroach into another person’s person-space. Thank you.
Don’t worry, baby, it’ll be alright. You got the right shoes to get you through the night.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Fake Edge: Cancer fans, good for you! You’re imaginative enough to figure out how to be at the front of the line show after show, and we positively bask in the glow of your love for us. But, sweethearts, we don’t take rail attendance. You’re achingly attractive, and we’re flattered by your devotion, but maybe? Sometimes? Give the locals a chance to touch that rail, too.
What you don't have you don't need it now.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Fake Bono: Leos are remarkably attractive, magnetic people who know absolutely everything and who will be sure to tell you. If they don’t have copious hair on their heads, they will probably have a really nice beard. How did Fake Edge get his guitar to sound like a Moroccan nafir on “Lady With the Spinning Head?” Only Fake Edge knows (but so does Leo). Leo fans are usually found standing calmly near the stage, just watching and listening because they know they have nothing to prove. They might surprise you with a dominant (and rather sexy) hand gesture now and then.
The songs are in (y)our eyes, gonna wear them like a crown.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Fake Edge: The Virgo U2 fan is an obsessed collector and a major source of our income. Do you ever wonder what sign buys the most ultra special editions with thirty pieces of vinyl or whatever? It’s Virgo. Plus they buy at least two of everything, in all available formats and editions. This means that half of their meticulously organized, floor-to-ceiling collections are opened and played, while the other half is kept in mint condition. Virgos are the reason why we have multiple homes.
Got some questions to ask of you in your blue room.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Fake Bono: These fans love to make friends and are quite good at it. They’re fantastic at meet-and-greets—not shy, but not overbearing either. They actually like it when we get “political,” because they have very high ideals and are much concerned with keeping the peace. Their superpower is their ability to drink six beers prior to a show, without having to pee until the show is over. So they will never, ever make you tense by asking you to hold their place.
You can do just what you please, Wild Honey.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Fake Edge: Ah, Scorpios. Larry sends his kind regards. Scorpios are the fans whose beaming, singing faces inspire us to tour again and again. Even older fans bring the kind of passion and mania you’d expect from audience members half their age. Bono actively seeks them out in situations when there are maybe too many cameras in the air but not nearly enough screaming. The Scorpios never let him down. However. A couple of years ago on the tree stage, a fan tossed a note up to me. I shared it with the others, and we took it seriously. It said, “Please stop pulling random women up on stage. It’s breaking our hearts. Love, The Scorpios.”
Your love was a light bulb hanging over my bed.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Fake Bono: The Sagittarius fan is a smart, decent sort with a great sense of humor. If they’re into sports, they probably keep scorecards and talk about stats. An American friend told me about Strat-O-Matic Baseball, and he is a Sagittarius. (This might be affecting my judgment of other Sagittarii.) He’s a fun guy to hang around with but can be a little oblivious. If he were to attend one of our shows, he would probably end up standing in front of a shorter person while wearing a large hat—but not maliciously.
It’s not why you’re running, it’s where you’re going. It’s not what you’re dreaming but what you’re gonna do.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Fake Edge: If we ever make a mistake, Capricorn fans will let us know about it in a hurry and in no uncertain terms. Careful and disciplined in everything they do, they appear to be the least rock ‘n’ roll of our fans, but they care. Oh, do they care. Dear Capricorns, before you take to social media and denounce this column, we would like to apologize for any astrological inaccuracies you may have encountered. Bono and I are not professional astrologers, and we are clearly making this up as we go along. We have no idea what we’re doing.
You're dangerous ‘cause you're honest.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Fake Bono: This is the dawning of the age of Aq—sorry, sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Aquarians are the stealth superheroes of the U2 fandom. They don’t love crowds, so they may not get to lots of shows, but when they do, they behave impeccably and beam pure love at the stage. It is my firm belief that Aquarians create exquisite fan art. Fake Edge, being a more rational type, doesn’t think I can possibly know such a thing. But I just do. Thank you for not watching us through your phone, Aquarius. Thank you for seeing us.
The storms will pass; it won’t be long now.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Fake Edge: One of the things we as a band are in awe of are the friendships--both temporary and enduring--that have flourished among our fans. A Pisces U2 fan tends to be the kind person in the GA line who will share snacks and drinks with strangers, hold up a phone during the show so someone at home can hear a favorite song, and send photos and videos to the friends they’ve made. Remarkable. Not unlike our beloved Adam.
Nothing to stop this being the best day ever.
Fake Bono: Thus endeth another column, U2 fans—you pocketful of individually-wrapped gummy bears!
As yer man Pádraig Ó Tuama said,
“… life is real
and if you can survive it, well,
survive it well
with love
and art
and meaning given
where meaning’s scarce.”
We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.