Dear BaE Volume 11: Paul
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
How does Fake Bono feel when people call him Paul?
Jimmy
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: I feel ever so slightly miffed, Jimmy. I believe these people mean well. Perhaps they’re trying to imply that they are privy to insider information that might impress me and make me wonder if they knew me B.B.
Fake Edge: Before Bono?
Fake Bono: Yes. And do I wonder if they knew me B.B.? Never. As I announced from the e-stage 76 times in 2018: I’m fucking Bono.
Fake Edge: Readers, please know that he sometimes experiences a physical reaction when people call him Paul.
Fake Bono: sir fucking bono
Fake Edge: He breaks out in hives. Actually, it’s a single, localized hive. He breaks out in hive.
Fake Bono: Can you see it?
Fake Edge: Yes. It’s right there on your neck. You poor thing.
Fake Bono: Say it.
Fake Edge: Readers, the antidote is to say “Bono” 25 times in a variety of soothing tones. Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono Bono.
Fake Bono: Thank you, David Howell Evans.
Dear BaE,
Here's a question - when are you guys gonna bring back Shine Like Stars as a regular snippet for WOWY?? Not just here and there for special shows but all the time. Everybody - and I mean everybody - loves Shine Like Stars.
Michael Hall
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Edge: Hi Michael. Firstly, thank you for your appreciation of the ten-second snippet we sometimes add to “With Or Without You.” We like it too, but we have our reasons for reserving it for special occasions. This could be anything from a current event to something in one of our personal lives. Sometimes we play it based on a feeling we get as the venue begins to fill up, which I guess sounds a little nebulous. But there does have to be a reason that we all agree on.
Fake Bono: In truth, I prefer the snippet we append to “One” every now and then: “Hear us coming, Lord.”
Fake Edge: Same. Look, I’ve got goosebumps just thinking about it.
Fake Bono: I’ll sing it to you later.
Fake Edge: Oh, good.
Fake Bono: But back to Michael’s question: We are aware of the popularity of “Shine Like Stars.” Our social media expert, Fergus from Dingle, monitors Facebook and Twitter during every gig and sends us screenshots of the howls of disappointment from folks listening in at home every time we don’t play it. But Michael, have you ever heard the fable about the fox and the wine?
Fake Edge: Do you mean the fox and the grapes?
Fake Bono: This is an updated version. Come closer and I’ll tell you.
Fake Edge: If I come any closer I’ll be in your lap.
Fake Bono: Please, I’m trying to create a warm, storytelling ambiance for our readers. Anyway, there once was a fox who loved red wine and drank it as often as he could. His friends pleaded with him to try a white wine, but the fox thought white wines looked—and frankly tasted—a bit like pee. Waiters would fling their arms up in frustration every time the fox ordered red wine with his fish or poultry. Quel horreur, they cried! Sacre bleu! But it was only red wine for the fox. Every time.
Fake Edge: Is this going somewhere?
Fake Bono: Shush. The point is, the fox got exactly what he wanted, every time. Which was red wine. Until one day he began to itch all over and ended up passing out. He had drunk so much red wine that his little fox body finally rebelled by becoming allergic to it!
Fake Edge: Oh no. Who can this poor fox be, I wonder.
Fake Bono: The identity of the fox is unimportant. What’s important is the moral of the story.
Fake Edge: Which is?
Fake Bono: Right… Something about too much of a good thing? Or how if you always get what you want, you won’t appreciate it anymore?
Fake Edge: Or you’ll need an Epi-Pen. Anyway Michael, I’m sure we’ll play “Shine Like Stars” a few times just as soon as it’s safe for us to tour again. But only when it feels right to us.
Dear BaE,
Explain.
Carina,
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: What? I was being a fly.
Fake Edge: You are in fact a gifted mime.
Fake Bono: Full disclosure, though: my pants were so tight during this video shoot that I was literally climbing the walls. I could barely breathe, let alone move. And yet I delivered a sexuality-defining performance for the ages.
Fake Edge: Way to take one for the team.
Fake Bono: Still. I required assistance to escape from my patent leather prison.
Fake Edge: Was it patent leather? I think we’re looking at black denim here.
Fake Bono: “Patent leather prison” just sounds better, Edge. Let it be.
Dear BaE,
Which kind of chocolate is your favorite? Dark or milk? Do you have a favorite chocolatier? And do you prefer truffles, or caramels, or toffees, or some other delicious confection?
Janice
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: The answer to all of these questions is YES. Next.
Fake Edge: I fully agree, but come on now, B. Janice is one of our top fans. Doesn’t she deserve some of our trademark banter?
Fake Bono: You’re right. She does. Should we answer this in a way that aligns with our established personae?
Fake Edge: Yes. Janice, in the war between dark and milk chocolate, dark chocolate always wins.
Fake Bono: Incorrect. Milk chocolate is sweeter and therefore more indulgent and better.
Fake Edge: Dark chocolate is a powerful source of antioxidants and may lower blood pressure when enjoyed in moderation. Certain bioactive compounds in dark chocolate may even protect your skin from the sun. I could go on and on about the health benefits of dark chocolate, but I sense that someone here is tuning me out.
Fake Bono: DARK CHOCOLATE’S AFTERTASTE IS AKIN TO BILE. ADVANTAGE: MILK. Is that enough banter?
Fake Edge: That should do it. We love you, Janice. Thank you and come again.
Fake Bono: And that’s another column in the wheelie bin, U2 fans—you mad bunch of squabbling siblings in a giant bouncy castle!
But in case you haven’t had enough of us, our esteemed colleague Kelly has drenched us in color and light (that is, she has painted us) as deliriously sexy deities of Summer (moi) and Winter (Edge). Larry and Adam represent Spring and Fall. There’s something for everyone, and you will not be sorry.
Also, yer woman PJ has written a wee poem for me birthday. We both agree that I am a fox.
And as yer man said in John 13:34, love one another. (We love you!) — Fake Bono
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.