DearBaE Volume 15: Jacket
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear Fake BaE,
This question is a little unconventional since it comes from the two of us to you two. Well, to Fake Edge mostly, but we suspect Fake Bono was involved.
Janice: Fake Edge, you must have thousands of gorgeous jackets and coats. You are a walking fashion plate for stylish jackets and outerwear. Do you keep track of them, along with your hats, and when/where you wore each of them via spreadsheets?
Amy Beth: And we KNOW Fake Edge LOVES data! But if he keeps spreadsheets with all that data...how did Fake Edge end up wearing that tux jacket over a hoodie to the Sing 2 premiere? Was it a dare from Fake Bono?
Janice: Maybe they were running late because they forgot the time. Or were busy. Doing something. As they do.
Amy Beth: Hmmm. Right. Also was that the same tux jacket Fake Edge wore in the pool in Mumbai in 2019? Just wondering.
Love,
Janice & Amy Beth
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: Thank you, Janice and Amy Beth, for bringing up the Sing 2 premiere.
Fake Edge: Here we go.
Fake Bono: But you’ve presented Edge with other questions, so I’ll wait for him to answer them first. Edge, was that the same tux jacket you wore in the pool in Mumbai?
Fake Edge: No. If you study the lapels and the color of the fabric, you’ll see that it was a totally different jacket on that day in Mumbai. We were fully prepared to wear identical jackets we didn’t mind ruining. The summer-weight wool was delicate and no match for the pool’s chlorinated water, I’m afraid.
Fake Bono: you’re bloody right to be afraid
Fake Edge: Excuse me?
Fake Bono: Moving on. Do you have a system or spreadsheet that keeps track of such things? (Actually, I’ll field this one, Edge.) The answer is a definitive NO. I’m not sure if you ladies have ever lived with a bonafide visionary whose creative genius is as formidable as that of The Edge—
Fake Edge: Ah, that’s sweet of you.
Fake Bono: —BUT. Let’s just say certain practical matters tend to fall by the wayside with him. Most of the time he can’t even remember whose jacket is whose.
Fake Edge: Guilty.
Fake Bono: When we are on tour, Edge’s clothing is immaculate because we hire people whose sole job is to look after our wardrobe. They are worth their weight in gold. But when left to his own devices, this man simply cannot be bothered, and this has been the case since that day in Mumbai. His walk-in closet at his home in Los Angeles is packed to the brim with a jumble of jackets, jeans, t-shirts, and hats.
Fake Edge: Now listen, B. Of the four of us, who is responsible for coming up with most of the—
Fake Bono: Obviously it’s you. And it’s fine. I love that you spend your days and nights holed up in your home studio. Again: visionary. Genius. Tedious chores such as laundry are clearly beneath you.
Fake Edge: Thanks.
Fake Bono: So, ladies, when Edge needs to make an off-season public appearance, he buys something new, and upon wearing it, he adds it to his…many piles. This strategy works for him until a last-minute, emergency request comes up, and he has no time to go shopping, so he is forced to draw from the piles. This explains the old jeans, the mismatched tux jacket, the hooded sweatshirt—
Fake Edge: It was cold! And I like wearing hoodies to movies. They’re cozy, and they have that pouch where you can hide candy. Also, this one featured Botticelli’s Venus. Goddess of love.
Fake Bono: Goddess of stains.
Fake Edge: How many times do I have to apologize for that?
Fake Bono: Our fans were concerned when they saw the photos. “It’s a kids’ movie. Why does Bono look so grim?” And so on. Fans: Edge had a stain on his hoodie!
Fake Edge: Once again, I am sorry.
Fake Edge: In front of Matthew McConaughey, even!
Fake Edge: I don’t think he or anyone else noticed.
Fake Bono: You’re probably right. Christ, look at us.
Fake Edge: It was a fun night. All eyes were on you. And I love your new jacket.
Fake Bono: You noticed! And look at you, my magnificent friend. You didn’t have to go, but you knew I was out of my element, and I didn’t want to be there alone.
Fake Edge: Anything for you, B.
Fake Bono: Thank you, darlin’.
Dear BaE,
I’m only a casual U2 fan, but I’d love to know what you make of the following tweet that I saw underneath a clip from It Might Get Loud :
I conragtulate (sic) [Edge] for admitting that sans that echo effect he was basically useless. We already knew but usually no guy's brave enough to admit it, so that took balls.
Jimmy Page is near incomparable to anyone but there's (sic) other great guitarists too, and legends. Edge isn;t (sic) one !
This fellow went on to say that U2 only became popular because they appeared in the aftermath of “True Rock,” when the only other music around was American hair metal. Again, these are not my words. I am merely sharing these inflammatory comments from some other person.
SteveVaiRulez117585309,
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: Well. Conragtulations (sic), SteveVaiRulez117585309, on using the tweets of a (hopefully) 12-year-old boy to insult The Edge, and myself by association.
Fake Edge: Calm down, B. In fact, I’m going to ask you to go sit in the break room and do some yogic breathing, okay?
Fake Bono: Do I have to?
Fake Edge: No. But you do have to give me a chance to address this without blowing your top.
Fake Bono: I never blow my top! I never blow anything!
Fake Edge:
Fake Bono: Yeah, I don’t know why I said that, either.
Fake Edge: …Anyway, it might surprise SteveVaiRulez117585309 to learn that I am not at all offended by their question. Yes, I do in fact have balls, and I do welcome every opportunity to discuss the many convoluted branches of guitar-based rock, as well as my role in all of it.
Fake Bono: Let me get some popcorn.
Fake Edge: Let’s start with the supposition that U2 appeared in a dark musical void between Led Zeppelin’s In Through The Out Door (1979) and—just off the top of my hat—Bon Jovi’s first self-titled album (1984). If this is your only frame of reference, then yes, U2 would certainly have seemed like a bolt from the blue, with its strange guitarist who favored “echoey, atmospheric sonic landscapes” over the more familiar speedy regurgitations of 12-bar blues.
Fake Bono: Atmospheric sonic landscapes, boyeeeee!
Fake Edge: Bono…
Fake Bono: What, I’m your hype-man!
Fake Edge: Okay. You’re also spitting popcorn all over my shirt.
Fake Bono: Sorry. Wouldn’t want to stain anything.
Fake Edge: Drink some water. So anyway, as much as I wish U2 had popped up out of nowhere with absolutely no context or influences—because that would make us some kind of miracle—it just simply isn’t true. And to imply otherwise demonstrates real ignorance of certain seminal bands and styles of rock music.
Fake Bono: Seminal! Tell ‘em about punk rock, The Edge!
Fake Edge: Long story short, punk rock eschewed—
Fake Bono: Eschewed, boyeeeee!
Fake Edge: —eschewed long, complicated solos by individual instrumentalists in favor of minimalism and a spirit of cooperation. Early U2 might not sound exactly like Television, The Clash, Patti Smith, Joy Division, or The Ramones, but if you listen to those bands you’ll hear where our early work—
Fake Bono: Which I love!
Fake Edge: Which Bono loves—ehm, you’ll hear where our early work actually makes a lot of sense in the great scheme of things.
Fake Bono: That’s right! And besides, Edge could absolutely step to the front, elbow me out of the way, strap on a Gibson EDS 1275 double-neck guitar with humbucking pickups, and play a 17-minute wank-fantasy solo that would blow your head clean off! (If he wanted to.)
Fake Edge: If I wanted to, which I do not. I have great admiration for guitarists who play that way, but it’s just not my style. It’s not our style.
Fake Bono: Right. Our band’s philosophy has always been that the songs are more important than the individual musician. We’ve stuck with that, and if it gives some people the impression that Edge (or Adam, or Larry) are somehow lacking in skills, so be it. But the truth is, you don’t survive for 40 years in this business without knowing what you’re doing.
Fake Edge: You think I know what I’m doing?
Fake Bono: Edge, you own an entire spectrum of musical colors—all silver and indigo and sparkly and weird—that were sadly lacking on commercial radio until you showed up. You are a mathematical guitar genius, the scientist of the group, a man sexually aroused by data, muy guapo, and a whole bunch of other shit I’ve said onstage at some point.
Fake Edge: Folks, he’s deluded. I actually do suck, and if it weren’t for the echo pedal, I’d still be in my parents’ garden shed in Malahide, trying desperately to play a bar chord.
Fake Bono: Yeah, it’s true. He sucks. So conradgulayshuns again, SteveVaiRulez117583509, you were right all along! And remember, you heard it first at DearBAE!
This is The Edge the lord has made! We will rejoice in him and be glad. — Psalm 118:24 (wink)
We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.
Photo credits!
U2 in the pool: found on U2_thebestband on Instagram.
Bono in 2011 by Frazer Harrison from Getty Images North America.
Edge wearing that same jacket is from Variety ID/PR.
All Sing 2 red carpet photos are from Getty Images North America. See tons more of them here!