Dear BaE Volume 14: Hurdt

Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!

Dear Fake B & E, 

I just bought a new IKEA-ish bookcase, and I wondered if Fake Edge could come over and put it together. Perhaps Fake Bono could supervise and provide light refreshments.

Amy Beth

Fort Lee, NJ

Fake Edge: Bono, because Covid is still very much a concern, I’ve taken the liberty of arranging for Amy Beth’s bookcase to be delivered to our multipurpose room here at Achtoonbaby Tower. I’ll be more than happy to assemble it for you now, Amy Beth, and one of our carriers from Shipping and Receiving will deliver it to your home in Fort Lee, NJ.

Fake Bono: Meanwhile I’m supposed to…?

Fake Edge: Supervise and provide light refreshments.

Fake Bono: This sounds tedious, plus it sets a troubling precedent. What’s next? Readers asking us to mow their lawns and carry their luggage?

Fake Edge: We can always say no.

Fake Bono: I’ll see if we have any snacks in the break room. [exits]

Fake Edge: Amy Beth, I’m glad you asked me to do this because I enjoy assembling furniture. Now, I’m familiar with the Uppåatga bookcase, but I see this one’s a Fåhnapco. It doesn’t matter. I’m up to the challenge. First I’ll open the box and get organized: shelves over here, and these look like the sides, here’s the top and bottom, and this panel has to be the back. Next I’ll glance at the instructions and make sure I have all of the tools and parts. Wooden dowels, cam locks and screws, cute little nails, a couple dozen shelf holders, some of my own tools…looks like everything’s here. Oh hi, Bono.

Fake Bono: This was all I could find [displays box of Chicken In A Biskit snack crackers]. Those women have such pedestrian taste. 

Fake Edge: Crackers that taste like chicken…and biscuits?

Fake Bono: In. I believe the chicken is supposed to be inside the biscuit. “Made with chicken, these baked crackers have a light, crunchy texture, and they're ideally seasoned.”

Fake Edge: May I have one?

Fake Bono: Are you sure?

Fake Edge: It’s all I’m asking.

Fake Bono: Here. Body of Chicken.

Fake Edge: Amen…ehm, those are delicious.

Fake Bono: I know. I’ve already had about ten of them. How’s it going?

Fake Edge: Well, I’m ready to start, and I thought I’d narrate the process for our readers.

Fake Bono: You have got to be kidding me. No one wants to read about bookshelf assembly.

Fake Edge: I don’t know, I thought—hey, did you steal those from PJ’s desk? Her bespoke U2 Christmas ornaments?

Fake Bono: I didn’t steal them so much as I set them free. Go ahead and finish your project, Edge. I’ll amuse myself.

Fake Edge: Why did they give me twelve dowels when I only need eight?

Fake Bono: Whilst Edge assembles Amy-Beth’s Fåhnapco with his remarkable tool set, I’m going to use PJ’s U2 Christmas ornaments to re-enact significant moments from our career. (Also some insignificant moments.) PJ won’t mind. She loves me very much. Sometimes I think I should get a restraining order a special doughnut for her, or something. 

Anyway, I’ve been planning to play with these little geezers ever since she brought them into the office. So off I go with my phone and a stunning array of Apple’s default fonts.

First up: The aforementioned PJ claims she can hear a faint trace of my Irish accent in the studio version of “Streets.” That is nonsense, but maybe the following tableau will shut the oul wagon up. 

Next, the Elevation tour in a single image:

And if you enjoyed that, wait till you see my tidy summation of Vertigo:

Some behind-the-scenes stuff. For this one, I took the advice of my daughter Eve, who said, “You should google ‘retro lolcats.’”

I know, I know. You’re not laughing at me. You’re laughing near me. 

It’s a musical journey:

And finally, the true origin story of Songs of Innocence:

Fake Edge: Why does it smell like cloves over here? Are you still playing with those? 

Fake Bono: Playing? This is high art, The Edge, and I fully plan to incorporate more photos of these geezers in our future columns. I see you’ve finished the bookcase. Well done!

Fake Edge: It’s a bit wobbly on the right side, but that gives it personality, I think. And I made sure to sign the back and make little drawings and notations and so on.

Fake Bono: Amy Beth will love it. I’m sure you’re feeling every bit as accomplished as I do right now. Where’s my flask? Ahh, here it is. A toast! To another year of questions and answers, our unique dynamic, furniture assembly, and arts and crafts!

Fake Edge: Cheers, mate.

Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.