Dear BaE Volume 16: Emo
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
As a U2 fan, I’ve defended your actions over the years to friends, family, and people online. I am happy to do this because I believe in you. Last week’s Netflix series announcement triggered numerous debates among fans (good idea vs. bad idea). This was unsurprising, but some of the naysayers claimed that U2’s backstory isn’t compelling enough to justify a series. What is your response to fans who say “there is no there there”?
Trudy
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Bono: And these people call themselves fans?
Fake Edge: I think anyone who keeps track of us when we’re not releasing an album or touring is probably, technically a fan.
Fake Bono: Excuse me while I fume. [fumes]
Fake Edge: Trudy, we knew the idea of a U2 series would be polarizing. In fact, our overlords here in Achtoonbaby Tower are not in complete alignment. One of them is intrigued and cautiously optimistic, while the other—
PJ: [yells from her cubicle] Your backstory is so compelling that I don't want anyone to touch it!
Fake Edge: Shall I mark you down as a conscientious objector, then?
PJ: Yes.
Fake Edge: Oh. Hello there.
PJ: Hello. It’s just: how the hell is this ragtag band of Dublin teenagers playing in a contest in Limerick and facing off against show bands and WINNING not fucking compelling? How is the fact that both Bono and Larry lost their moms as teenagers not compelling? How is Mrs. Edge and her car not compelling? How is Adam's depression not compelling? A good writer could wring the TEARS and BLOOD out of all of this!
Fake Bono: …Did she leave already?
Fake Edge: Yes. Still fuming?
Fake Bono: I’ve moved on to seething. [seethes] The thing is, I have been writing about our backstory for much longer than anyone had anticipated, and do you know why? Because it’s a fucking fairy tale loaded with so much magic and tragedy—
Fake Edge: Magedy?
Fake Bono: —that I devoted over 100,000 words to our school days alone. This autobiography has exploded into multiple tomes, Edge, and I’m making myself weep on a daily basis. And our own fans say our story doesn’t merit a lousy 3-season Netflix series? How dare they.
Fake Edge: I’m every bit as outraged as you are.
Fake Bono: Now. Maybe our fans are used to watching movies and shows about bands whose lives are fraught with controversy. We’re relatively tame, I admit. We might make our fans cringe from time to time, but do we make them wince?
Fake Edge: It’s not like we engage in violent in-fighting.
Fake Bono: We haven’t gone bankrupt and hit the state fair circuit.
Fake Edge: None of us has been sent to prison.
Fake Bono: No #MeToo scandals.
Fake Edge: No private islands.
Fake Bono: No SpaceX aspirations.
Fake Edge: yet
Fake Bono: Our names might be a little juvenile, but at least they’re not unpronounceable symbols.
Fake Edge: No Jeffrey Epstein connections.
Fake Bono: No NFT stuff.
Fake Edge: yet
Fake Bono: No sex tapes.
Fake Edge:
Fake Bono: No plastic surgery addictions.
Fake Edge: No K-pop collaborations.
Fake Bono: No Trump collaborations!
Fake Edge: But.
Fake Bono: But! I promise you, fans, we have plenty of material. You will not be bored with our little show. I’ll take it one step further: we will elevate the bio-series form! And we’ll cast adorable young actors-slash-musicians who will look exactly the way you remember us. Except…I do worry that no one will come close to matching Edge’s celebrated bone structure.
Fake Edge: And if your actor’s face is even a little bit off, I don’t know if I’ll be able to lose myself in the narrative.
Fake Bono: …This is going to be impossible.
Fake Edge: We’ve bitten off more than we can chew here.
Fake Bono: Fuck.
Fake Edge: Maybe it’ll be okay.
Fake Bono: Fuck!
Fake Edge: There, there.
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
When does the U2 Emo era begin?
Chloe
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Edge: Hi Chloe. We wanted to make sure we could answer your question properly, so we defaulted to the ol’ school essay trick of beginning with a definition. Ahem. According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “Emo” is a style of rock music influenced by punk rock and featuring introspective and emotionally fraught lyrics.
Fake Bono: So to answer your question, Chloe, we can’t begin an Emo era because we invented Emo.
Fake Edge: Bono, we did not invent Emo.
Fake Bono: Edge, according to the definition (above), we most certainly did. We were influenced by punk rock, and my lyrics are extremely introspective and…that other thing.
Fake Edge: Emotionally fraught.
Fake Bono: Yes, emotionally fraught. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and claim that Boy is the first-ever Emo record! I mean, in 1980, who else was writing songs about electro-shock therapy? Or naughty Irish girls who take the form of black cats and steal your innocence to the accompaniment of meowing guitars? Or picture books with color photographs, or comic strips that make you laugh? Or Lord of the Flies? I mean, my God, just listen to this:
Life through a window,
A discoloured pane!
Missus Brown’s washing is always the same!
I walk the sweet rain tragicomedy,
I’ll walk home again to the street melody!
Okay, I added some punctuation, but come on, that’s Emo.
Fake Edge: Well, if we’re going to define Emo as anything a young person scrawls into a notebook as “lyrics”—
Fake Bono: Do you have a problem with my lyrics?
Fake Edge: No no, I do not.
Fake Bono: Did I not sound appropriately introspective and emotionally fraught singing them?
Fake Edge: I mean, a little? But there’s a certain tone to Emo singing. Lots of audible inhalations, and a feeling of clenched teeth, and a way of over-enunciating certain words, thus rendering them stupefyingly obnoxious.
Fake Bono: Example?
Fake Edge: The way the guy from Fall Out Boy sings, “I’m not WHOA-KAYY!” https://youtu.be/dhZTNgAs4Fc?t=59
Fake Bono: Oh my God, Edge, you mean My Chemical Romance, not Fall Out Boy. How are you so cringe? But it’s true, I would never sing like that. On the other hand, what could possibly be more Emo than my Mr. MacPhisto fursona singing “Can’t Help Falling In Love” and weeping?
Fake Edge: Ehm, you don’t actually know what a “fursona” is, do you.
Fake Bono: Never mind that. Answer my question.
Fake Edge: That wasn’t Emo, Bono. It was emotional, but not Emo. (Also, you only chose that song because PJ wanted to watch the video.) Look, you can be sad and wear eyeliner and still not be Emo. Do we consider Depeche Mode or The Cure to be Emo?
Fake Bono: I think most right-thinking people consider The Cure “Goth.”
Fake Edge: Then you’re Goth too. At least when you wear your B-stage outfits.
Fake Bono: Fine. I’m Goth.
Fake Edge: Another thing: It seems to me that Emo singers work really hard to keep a kind of adolescent edge to their voices. But your voice has always had a strongly masculine tone that can also be oddly soft and inviting.
Fake Bono: I think I’ve managed to keep an adolescent Edge around here somewhere.
Fake Edge: Stop that. I said what I said.
Fake Bono: Can we consider my strongly masculine yet oddly soft and inviting voice…Goth?
Fake Edge: Sure, why not?
Fake Bono: Then it has been decided. Sorry Chloe, but U2 are Goth.
Fake Edge: Where are you going?
Fake Bono: Gonna stand in an old graveyard and gaze at my shoes for a while.
Fake Edge: Next up: Are Goth and Shoe-Gaze the same thing, or totally different?
Fake Bono: Aaaand that’s another column for the Black Parade, U2 fans! Let’s shout it loud and clear, defiant to the end! We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.