Dear BaE Volume 19: Bupkes
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
Not really a question but more a statement:
Dublin is a great city and i love it why is it so amazing
Kind regards,
Chloe
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Bono: Glad you like the Dirty Old Town, darlin’.
Fake Edge: Which we put on the map!
Fake Bono: It’s true. Before us, it was all just cockles and muscles.
Fake Edge: You mean mussels, Bono.
Fake Bono: Whatever.
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
Are there any hobbies you want to pick up in 2023? Or any recommendations for hobbies, if you have any suggestions for me?
Sincerely,
Nina
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Edge: Interesting question, Nina. I’m considering taking up extreme ironing.
Fake Bono: Really?
Fake Edge: No. How about you, B? Any hobbies you want to pick up while we wait for music critics half our age to type words about how we’re ruining our legacy?
Fake Bono: Yes. I think I would like to support wild birds.
Fake Edge: You mean, you’d like to support wild bird populations by planting native hedges, installing bird boxes and creating water reserves, such as bird baths?
Fake Bono: No, I mean by standing very still in my garden and letting them build nests on me. Why are you laughing?
Fake Edge: I’m not laughing.
Fake Bono: Don’t lie to the people, The Edge. You are in hysterics.
Fake Edge: It’s just that you have never once stood still, ever, in your life.
Fake Bono: Yes I have. But I stand still in very short increments, about a nano-second at a time. Your poor human eyes cannot perceive my preternatural stillness.
Fake Edge: I don’t think the birds will be able to perceive it either.
Fake Bono: Look, I don’t need hobbies. My life is a hobby.
Fake Edge: Maybe we should move on to the next letter.
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
Do you have any unusual or unique talents that we do not know about?
Love,
Lucy
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Bono: Yes.
Fake Edge: Dozens.
Dear sirs,
Through sheer dumb luck, I've yet to hear Gloria live. What are the chances it's a set list regular on the next tour? And if it does make the tour, can I let you know which city/date we're at for a Bono shout out like "for our good friend Mike." That would be great.
Michael
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Edge: 18.7%, and no.
Fake Bono: Care to expand on that one?
Fake Edge: Not especially.
Fake Bono:
Fake Edge: Our setlist is painstakingly constructed to tell a story. We agonize over what gets included. It cannot accommodate requests or even changes in Bono’s stage patter.
Fake Bono: He keeps me on a tight leash, Mike!
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
In the early 80s, Bono seemed to think satin pants symbolized everything vacuous and tawdry about the music industry. What are today’s satin pants?
U2 Fan Polls
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Bono: Actually, I would like to re-imagine that statement.
Fake Edge: Nice tie-in.
Fake Bono: I want to return to the days when pop stars wore pants of any kind.
Dear BaE,
What did you think about Larry's eyebrow roll over the rendition of “Walk On” at the Kennedy Center Honors? Watch Larry at about the 2:50 point of this video.
Greggy
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Bono: Ladies? Greggy has included a video. Would either of you care to make a gif of that moment?
Kelly Eddington: I’m all over it.
Fake Bono: Thank you.
Kelly: Enjoy.
Fake Edge: (Did she seem…subdued?)
Fake Bono: (No idea.)
Fake Edge: Let’s see this gif. Yes. At first I was unsure about what Greggy meant by “eyebrow roll,” but now I understand.
Fake Bono: It’s like an eye roll, but in eyebrow form.
Fake Edge: So what do we think about this?
Fake Bono: We were told that the Kennedy Center’s cameras would be on us at all times. As we sat there in our finery—and may I say you looked smashing in your sparkly tux?
Fake Edge: Yes you may, and so did you. I continue to wear those ribbons around the house.
Fake Bono: Me too! Anyway, as we sat there, we had the good sense to behave ourselves, and we reacted the way we were expected to react. Look at Adam, nodding professorially. And you and I were completely in sync with our expressions of, well, disbelief.
Fake Edge: But Larry…
Fake Bono: Larry possesses a hair-trigger bullshit detector. Plus he has no internal censor. This is why he tends to hang back during band interviews. Years may pass without comment from our drummer. But when he deigns to sound off for whatever baffling reason, Larry does not hesitate to say exactly what he thinks.
Fake Edge: This is usually a good thing, but sometimes his words can be blunt.
Fake Bono: Ill-timed.
Fake Edge: Shocking.
Fake Bono: Firestorm-starting.
Fake Edge: That also applies to Larry’s non-verbal responses.
Fake Bono: I’ve been on the receiving end of his eyebrow rolls more times than I can count. And it’s usually when I attempt vocal gymnastics that are…what’s the word, Edge?
Fake Edge: Piercing? Overwrought? Painful?
Fake Bono: Any of those. Larry simply cannot help himself, and it doesn’t matter if the cameras are on him or not.
Fake Edge: What can we say? Larry’s gonna Larry.
Dear Fake Edge,
We didn’t receive a Songs Of Surrender hype letter from Real You and are feeling sad.
Love,
Anonymous and Anonymous
Fort Lee, New York and Fort Lee, Missouri
Fake Bono: I could be wrong, but I feel like I know who these anonymouses are.
Fake Edge: Anonymouses?
Fake Bono: Anonymice?
Fake Edge: Do you hear sobbing? I think it’s coming from the break room.
Fake Bono: Oh no, is PJ back on the doughnuts again? Remember when she found out that Severance ended on a cliffhanger?
Fake Edge: Indeed. It was carnage. Crumbs everywhere.
PJ: Do not speak about my doughnuts.
Fake Bono: Jaysis! Do you have to sneak up on us like that?
PJ: All I wanted was one measly photocopied letter from Real You. I write glowing essays about you. I defend you on social media against all enemies, foreign and domestic. I am the Actual Poet Laureate of the U2 fandom. And what do I get? Bupkes!
Fake Bono: Bupkes?
Fake Edge: Bupkes: from the Yiddish (probably short for kozebubkes, literally, goat droppings), plural of bubke, bobke, diminutive of bub, bob bean, of Slavic origin; akin to Polish bób bean—
Fake Bono: I’ve got it, Edge. Thanks.
Kelly: Hello again.
Fake Bono: Jaysis!
Kelly: We’re just…confused. What else does Real U2 want from us? We love them. We paint them. We write tributes to their noses. We have been doing this for decades, and…bupkes.
Fake Edge: Oh dear. Let’s make some calls.
[ten minutes pass]
Fake Edge: Okay. Real U2 are concerned about the excessive amount of time and energy you’ve devoted to Bono’s book and this site in general lately. Three extensive articles. One book parody. Four major paintings and numerous line drawings. One blockbuster 20th anniversary post. Feisty commentary about theater etiquette. A poem about Larry.
Fake Bono: Real U2 appreciate your extraordinary efforts and all the free advertising.
Fake Edge: Those photocopied letters from Real Me were sent to fans with the expectation that they would promote Songs Of Surrender.
Fake Bono: The fact that you did not receive photocopies was not a slight. Real U2 are worried about you and encourage you to sit this one out if you like. You should not feel obligated to create watercolor-based U2 humor or agonize over think-pieces that your fellow fans simply cannot find anywhere else.
Fake Edge: They want you to recharge and maybe have a little fun this spring. Real Me wrote actual letters on archival-grade, handmade stationery to the two of you relaying this message, and it pains us to say this but—
Fake Bono: —our intern Fergus accidentally dropped your letters off the Cliffs of Moher.
Kelly and PJ: [wailing]
Fake Edge: There, there.
Fake Bono: Have a doughnut.
Fake Bono: And that’s it for now, U2 fans—you perky mob of mercurial meerkats! As yer man John O’Donohue said, “May the nourishment of the earth be yours, may the clarity of light be yours, may the fluency of the ocean be yours, may the protection of the ancestors be yours.” We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.