Dear BaE Volume 20: Fruity
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
What's Letterman *really* like? And how will you spend your free time this summer before the upcoming stint in Vegas?
Sincerely,
Beth
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Edge: Excellent question, Beth. We’ve been fans for a long time.
Fake Bono: Yes. We watched Late Night in countless hotel rooms across America in the 80s.
Fake Edge: Stupid Pet Tricks.
Fake Bono: Viewer Mail.
Fake Edge: When we were guests on the show, we noticed that Dave was under a great deal of pressure to deliver night after night. So while he was and is clearly a comedic genius, he could be a little—what’s the word, Bono?
Fake Bono: Prickly? Sarcastic?
Fake Edge: Acerbic?
Fake Bono: Trenchant?
Fake Edge: But since he left the treadmill of his show, he seems a lot happier.
Fake Bono: Yeah, he’s still on television, but he’s doing it his way, on his timetable, and he answers to no one but himself. Dave gives zero fucks, and clearly this mindset agrees with him.
Fake Edge: We could learn a thing or two from David Letterman.
Fake Bono: Yes, we could.
Fake Edge: What do you want to do this summer?
Fake Bono: Let’s grow big white beards and give zero fucks, Edge.
Fake Edge: Sounds good to me.
Dear BaE,
On a scale of 1 to 10, how adorable are you guys in the upcoming Disney+ documentary? Will we need to wear protective gear due to cuteness rays?
Diane
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Bono: Diane, we are going to bypass 10 and go directly to 11.
Fake Edge: Why don’t we just make 10 slightly more adorable?
Fake Bono: Because we go to 11.
Fake Edge: Odd numbers stress me out.
Fake Bono: You are an odd number.
Fake Edge: Please. I am a rational number.
Fake Bono: You are an oblate spheroid.
Fake Edge: Do you even know what that is?
Fake Bono:
Fake Edge: Anyway, what should we tell Diane about the cuteness rays?
Fake Bono: Soak ‘em up, Diane. Soak ‘em up.
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
How do y'all manage to pull off being so incredibly fruity without anyone other than the most dedicated U2 fans noticing?
Chloe
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Edge: What you said on Twitter was so good, B.
Fake Bono: “The fans who find us fruity are certainly preferable to the fans who find us cheesy.”
Fake Edge: When you’ve been in a band for as long as we have, relationships form that are unlike those of normal people. We’re more than friends, and I would even say we’re more than brothers.
Kelly Eddington: [yelling from her office] YOU ARE EVOLVED MEN.
Fake Edge: I think the average person writes off our affection for each other as just some goofy band thing. They know we have wives and children and assume nothing “fruity” is going on.
Fake Bono: But when you create art with another person, an indescribable and deeper bond forms.
Fake Edge: It transcends everything else. It’s impossible to categorize.
Fake Bono: The other day, Adam came right out and said that U2 is made of two marriages: Adam and Larry, and you and me.
Fake Edge: He’s right. I do love you.
Fake Bono: And I love you, Edge.
PJ DeGenaro: [screaming from the break room] YOU ARE EVOLVED MEN!
Dear BaE,
Where’s Adam and Larry also I’ve got to admit you’re even better than the real thing
Weird Robin in 3D
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Edge: Hello, Weird. I’m not sure what your question is.
Fake Bono: Weird’s question, dear Edge, is the same one we get day and night from our fans every time we do a social media post—an inquiry as to the whereabouts of Adam and Larry. And I think they were also trying to pay us a compliment. Thank you, Weird! We do try to be even better than the real thing, child.
Fake Edge: But there’s no punctuation.
Fake Bono: Now Edge, let’s not get all elitist on people’s arses.
Fake Edge: You’re right, B, and I offer Weird Robin a half-hearted apology. Anyway, I’m sure all of our readers will be thrilled to know that we have Fake Adam right here, and he has agreed to address a few key issues.
Fake Adam: Hi.
Fake Bono: Hi, Adam. Will you please tell Weird Robin and everyone out there in U2-Land what’s happening with you and Larry?
Fake Adam: Of course. Well, like all men, Larry waits till he’s absolutely at death’s door to see a doctor. Goodness knows I tried to tell him. I said, “Larry, if you keep letting these things go, it’ll be too late to do anything about them. And then what?” But he just has to be a big baby. Every time he gets a paper cut, you’d think he’d opened up an artery. The hysteria! And did I tell you what happened when we got lost on the way to the new Aldi up in Stony Point? Okay, yes, it is absolutely wilderness once you go north of NYC, and our GPS was acting up, but do you think this man could pull into a petrol station and ask for directions? Of course not. I had to get out and flirt with the attendant until—
Fake Bono: Adam, what the actual feck are you on about?
Fake Adam: Well, since I let it slip on U2 X-Radio that I’m Larry’s wife, I thought I might as well start acting like it.
Fake Bono: Oh, that sounds like fun!
Fake Edge: Do not even think about it.
Fake Bono: We’ll discuss it later after the kids are in bed. Anyway, I think we really should address our fans’ concerns about Larry. So tell us, Adam. Where is Larry?
Fake Adam: Larry is [checks notes] at home on the Couch, watching the Game.
Fake Bono: And that’s it for now, U2 fans, you Volkswagen full of candy-colored clowns! As yer person Cricket Hall said, “May the rainbow of love enfold you; may your fluidity never be hindered.” We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.