Dear BaE Volume 18: Egg Moment
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
Amid rumors that U2 will be touring next year, I’m thinking of bringing my now 7-year old twins to the show. Do you see a lot of children at your shows? Any advice? Any plans to make the show family friendly for your young fans?
—U2 Fan Polls
via Twitter, but probably in New Jersey
Fake Edge: I believe that children are the future, but…
Fake Bono: Oh, you’ve seen enough to know it’s children who teach, buuut…
Fake Edge: Pity the nation that won’t listen to your boys and girls, however…
Fake Bono: My dear U2 Fan Polls, if that is your name—hey, isn’t Fan Polls a book by Willem Defoe?
Fake Edge: You’re thinking of Moll Flanders, by Daniel Defoe.
Fake Bono: I know that, The Edge. I’m just stalling for time. My dear Fan Polls, we are justifiably proud of our multi-generational fanbase, and of course we are overjoyed when older fans introduce our music to a new generation. Surely you’ve seen the crowd videos from our most recent tours, in which our poor intern, Fergus from Dingle, manages to locate every woman under the age of 25 who happens to be jumping up and down. Not that we watch those videos!
Fake Edge: Of course not.
Fake Bono: What I mean to say is, we are all about being relevant to the youth. And yes, young children do attend our shows, and they are always welcome. (You can protect their hearing with this fine product.) So by all means, bring your seven-year-old twins along to whatever it is we’re actually going to do next year!
Fake Edge: And since you’re bringing them, please know that we are willing to reconsider asking the Orgazma O’Plenty All-Drag Pole Dancing Team to be our opening act.
Fake Bono: (Sigh.) Can we at least keep the part where the MDMA-filled balloons drop from the ceiling?
Fake Edge: Definitely. It wouldn’t be a U2 show without them!
Dear BaE
I heard that #U2 basically had finished #SongsOfAssent—which real #Bono called “awesome”—but that #U2 nevertheless decided to “hold” it in favor of releasing something with “unreasonable” guitars. #U2fam wants both. Why not both?
— U2 Fan Polls,
Clearly in New Jersey
Fake Bono: Fanny Hill, is that you again?
Fake Edge: I think you mean “Polly Fanders.”
Fake Bono: Right. My dearest Polly, we finished Songs of Ascent (love your typographical error, but we’re sticking with the original title) a long time ago. We’re holding it because frankly, we just don’t think you can handle it.
Fake Edge: Not you personally, Moll—we just don’t think anyone can handle it. Let’s face it, no one is ready to hear Bono shouting his own translation of the Dead Sea Scrolls into a megaphone whilst I accompany him on a custom-built yaybahar.
Fake Bono: And that, my darling U2 Flander Polls, is why we’re gonna give you a record that sounds just like early AC/DC instead. I’m sure Ryan Tedder will be the perfect producer for that! Don’t you agree, Fake The Edge?
Fake Edge: Most assuredly.
Dear Fake Bono,
What on earth did you mean when you described yourself as a quote "lesbian trapped in a man's body" in the Sydney Lovetown TV special? Furthermore, are you aware of how much of an egg moment that is?
Chloe
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Bono: (Did I actually say that?)
Fake Edge: (Possibly.)
Fake Bono: (What is an egg moment?)
Fake Edge: (One second.) …Urban Dictionary says an egg is “trans slang for a person who hasn't realized they're trans yet. Usually they show telltale behavior of a trans person despite not knowing, like 'ironically' crossdressing or writing shitty fanfiction about trans people. The word comes from the idea that they haven't ‘cracked out of their shell’ like an egg.”
Fake Bono: My fanfiction is not shitty, I’ll have you know.
Fake Edge:
Fake Bono: I’ve received some very nice comments.
Fake Edge: We engaged in crossdressing half a lifetime ago. For art. Was it ironic?
Fake Bono: Maybe? I don’t even know anymore. But I’m not trans; sorry to disappoint.
Fake Edge: So the reason you said you’re a lesbian trapped in a man’s body is because—
PJ DeGenaro: [yelling from another room] Dudes used to say things like this 30+ years ago to epater les bourgeoisie! They were trying to say that their love for women was much better and hotter than those OTHER dudes' love for women. It was pretty dumb.
Kelly Eddington: [yelling from another room] Can confirm!
Fake Bono: Well, my excellence in the bedroom has never been called into question. I was merely implying that, like many artists, I contain multitudes. Yes. Statistically speaking, it stands to reason that at least one of the people I contain is a lesbian. Probably many more!
Fake Edge: He’s a nice bunch of guys and, uh, gals, Chloe.
Fake Bono: The multitudes Edge contains in his perfectly egg-shaped head include extraterrestrials and angels.
Fake Edge: I would just like to add that if you’re in the mood for a quality egg moment, I highly recommend this easy copycat recipe for Starbucks’ egg bites, except I bake mine for 23 minutes, not 30.
Fake Bono: His head also contains amateur chefs.
Dear BaE,
I'd just like to sing the praises of Achtoonbaby / DearBAE. That's all.
Bethany
Fort Lee, New Jersey
Fake Bono: Well, aren't you precious?
Fake Edge: We appreciate your kind words, Bethany.
Fake Bono: This column is a lark and an excuse for us to spend time together.
Fake Edge: We…are independently wealthy. But please know that you can and should support the women of Achtoonbaby by buying them the occasional Ko-fi or becoming a patron of Mother Achtoon. This helps her pay for web hosting and art supplies.
Fake Bono: What about PJ?
Fake Edge: I assume they have some kind of arrangement where M.A. sends PJ little watercolors of us from time to time. But who can really say?
Fake Bono: Oh, Mother Achtoon. She's been painting us for nearly twenty years, but she’s still a poor mountaineer who barely keeps her family fed.
Fake Edge: A cautionary tale to be sure.
Fake Bono: We may be independently wealthy, but if you wish, you can support The Edge and myself by attending as many of our concerts as possible and purchasing our music in every available format. And we would appreciate it if you refrained from buying unofficial U2 merchandise, even if it is much cuter and less expensive than our official merchandise. Finally, I sincerely hope you will help my memoir Surrender become a number one New York Times best seller this week. Remember: it's not enough to buy the hardcover version. You will need the audiobook as well. I will read it to you very slowly and sensually, and don’t be surprised if I chuckle at my own wit and wisdom here and there.
Fake Edge: It's a treasure trove of all things Bono. You will not be disappointed.
Fake Bono: Everyone who's read it says it needs more Edge.
Fake Edge: Everyone except for me.
Fake Bono: When will you write your own memoir? People have been asking.
Fake Edge: I'm too busy trying to make our music work inside a sphere at the moment.
Fake Bono: I’ll allow it.
Fake Edge: You know, I feel kind of bad about the way we handled the Songs of Ascent question up there. I think we owe anyone who has read this far the truth.
Fake Bono: Yes. If you’re reading this, you’re clearly the hardest of the hardcore U2 fans. And frankly, I’m weary of the subterfuge. Tell them, Edge.
Fake Edge: We’ve had an eye on our legacy since we were teenagers. Why does it take us years to record our albums? It’s because we create two “shadow albums” alongside each one. These recordings are placed in a vault and are not discussed again.
Fake Bono: Adam slipped up around thirteen years ago when he mentioned Songs of Ascent, and the fans have not been able to let that one go.
Fake Edge: Again, the reason for all of this is our legacy. Once the four of us have passed on, Phase Two of our career will begin.
Fake Bono: For the next one hundred years, we will release the shadow albums one at a time at predictable, to-be-determined intervals.
Fake Edge: This is why we are so passionate about courting the next generations of U2 fans. They will be the audience for the shadow albums, and so will their children and grandchildren.
Fake Bono: And we know what you’re thinking: What about current fans? We have you covered.
Fake Edge: We know who you are. We have access to unlimited data about you. As our most devoted fans inevitably reach their final days, U2 will be there.
Fake Bono: Our representatives will find you and allow you to listen to the shadow albums as many times as possible, including Songs of Ascent. We will be there with you as you enter the sweet hereafter, and we will see you on the other side.
Fake Edge: We have begun beta-testing this initiative with some of our fans who are sadly no longer with us. All of them experienced feelings of bafflement and ecstasy at this new music, and so will you.
Fake Bono: Wow.
Fake Edge: There it is.
Fake Bono: It’s finally out there.
Fake Edge: …Wanna provide a link to your fanfiction?
Fake Bono: To you? Yes. To everyone else? No.
Aaaaand that’s it for now, U2 fans—you glorious book of non-fictitious characters, going with us as we traverse this singular, beautiful planet!
As yer man said in SAM 57:7, my heart is steadfast, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make music…so watch out!
We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on Twitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.