The Miracle (Of Edge’s Subversive Hotness)—By Kelly And PJ
Sure, this microscopic attention to physical detail is a bit over the top, but we are both visually-oriented people with artistic backgrounds. We’re not musicians, obsessive collectors, or set list track-keepers. We can only play to our strengths. We love U2’s music, and we love the men who make it. The Miracle (Of *Insert Physical Asset Here*) is our attempt to explain the band’s enduring appeal to those who might question how four smallish, now-oldish individuals have the power to inspire screaming. The men don’t know, but the [middle-aged women] understand.
The Miracle (Of Edge’s Subversive Hotness)
Kelly Eddington and PJ DeGenaro
Kelly: Let’s get this out of the way first: what does it mean to be subversive? When you are subverting something, you are overturning or overthrowing it from the foundation. You could also be perverting or corrupting it. PJ and I feel that Edge is subversively hot because he frequently goes against the grain of what is considered normal rock star behavior and style (we will count the ways below).
In my limited experience, men who are not U2 fans tend to resent Bono for a number of predictable reasons. But they do not view Edge as a threat to their masculinity (or whatever). The four men I’ve been with romantically have had the following reactions to Edge:
U2 suck so therefore Edge sucks
He’s okay
I don’t have a problem with him
That’s a handsome head (this man knew nothing about U2 and was merely looking at one of my paintings of Edge).
When you have a band with a cool one, a pretty one, and a bonafide superstar, most girls tend to disregard the genius. Well, basic girls do that. Basic girls like guys named Chris.
I would like to suggest that Edge is the Anti-Chris.
PJ: The power of Chris compels you! Nah.
Kelly: For some, Edge is an acquired taste, and to misquote the man himself, if you aren’t into Edge, you’re just not trying hard enough.
PJ: I didn’t find him hard to acquire. In fact, way back in the Pleistocene Era, when I first experienced U2, I saw the cover of October and thought, “Oh, that must be the singer ‘cause he’s the cutest one.” Readers, I was looking at Edge! He looked so arrogant and intense with his tousled hair and cheekbones. Also he was the only one actually looking at the camera. You can forgive my rookie error.
Kelly: When U2 were starting out, Edge was a narrow-shouldered teenage wisp with a giant head. Nearly fifty years later, his physique has taken root in a sweet spot that finds him in enviable shape without being freakishly muscular.
PJ: He is in fact the owner of a bangin’ little bod. Why am I talking like a 29-year-old guy named Chuckster? Because I can. But really, Edge is always in fine fettle, even today, and certainly compared to most other guys in their 60s. I mean, being wealthy helps. He’s not sitting in a cubicle all day. But it’s cool that he’s only about two inches taller than Bono, yet manages to look leggy and fluid. He is also entirely too modest about his bootay.
Bangin’ little bod, exhibits A and B(ootay):
Kelly: He’s easily the furriest of the U2s, and while body hair isn’t for everyone, in my opinion it is an asset. Beloved U2 photographer Inchy and I developed the acronym BLF (backlit fuzz). We used it when one of Inchy’s photos of Edge showcased lit-from-behind arm hair. BLF is an irresistible challenge for me as a painter, and if I’m deciding between reference photos, its presence is often the determining factor.
PJ: Edge and Bono could do a side project called BLF. Electronic dance music and arm hair! (What Time Is Fluff, Last Train to Fuzz Central, etc.) I absolutely agree that furriness is an asset. I don’t suppose men like to hear that anything about them is soft, but I haven’t found too many things nicer than being held in the arms of a decently fuzzy guy. Not that I’ve thought about this in terms of Edge—much.
Kelly: Moving on! In 1997, pop music was on the cusp of a teen revolution whose stars were pretty girls and hairless, non-threatening boys. Meanwhile, a subversively adult U2 eroticized Edge’s chest hair in the packaging of their new album, and I for one rejoiced.
PJ: I for two rejoiced.
Kelly: Let’s rewind a bit. During an era when big hair was a rock star requirement, Edge began losing his.The first time I noticed this was in the band’s legendary Red Rocks video. Occasionally the cameras captured a not-insignificant thin area on the back of Edge’s beautiful, 21 year-old head. Maybe all of it migrated to his chest?
PJ: That’s what happens if you wear your halo too low. It’s like a holy crop circle.
Kelly: Uh, that’s adorable. Included in the U2 fandom are a legion of Biblical scholars who enjoy finding scriptural Easter eggs in the band’s lyrics. I am not one of those people, but I believe Edge’s premature hair loss is indicative of his virtuousness. And the Bible backs me up on this. According to the (problematic) book of Leviticus, “If a man loses the hair of his head and becomes bald, he is pure.” Possibly! And look at any early-days photo of Edge: has any young man ever been so pure? I don’t think so, and evidently GOD doesn’t think so, either.
PJ: Wait, were you actually reading the Bible? I’m not going to lose you to the U2 Conference, am I?
Kelly: No, and the chances of that happening are as slim as Edge ca. 1979.
PJ: [Screams for ten minutes]
Kelly: [Screams for ten minutes]
PJ: Apologies; we have just experienced an unexpected item in the photo area. Anyway, Edge has always had that look of innocent vulnerability combined with a kind of steely confidence, and it’s just fascinating. Yes, he lost a lot of his hair while very young, but he basically said, “Fine, I’ll just make a feature of it, with various chapeaus and bandannas.”
Kelly: It’s a feature, not a bug. The perma-beanie of the past 25 years has become a U2 trademark alongside Bono’s sunglasses. 21st Century Edge-without-hat sightings are rare, and all you have to do is type in “U2 Edge w” into a search engine and “U2 Edge without hat” will show up.
Kelly: People are clearly interested in this. The fact that we don’t get to see Edge’s entire head makes us want to see it even more.
PJ: Imagine a row of rowdies on the rail at a U2 show yelling, “SHOW US YOUR HEAD!”
Kelly: A few years ago, you and I decided that Bono brings so much to the table that he doesn’t need abs. And now we can say that Edge brings so much to the table that he doesn’t need hair. Subversive!
PJ: Exactly. Plus come on, he has such an amazing face. I have—over the years and on various platforms—compared The Edge to a Tatar chieftain, a Siberian horseman, a pagan god of winter, a space barbarian, and most recently, Hiroyuki Sanada. This is all shorthand for saying he has unusually prominent cheekbones and hooded but intense eyes. (Though I think the space barbarian thing is because he’s always got that radio mic strapped to his head.)
Kelly: If you would like to do the deepest of dives into Edge’s facial features, please go here. After painting the man for literally decades, I feel like I could write a book about this. And PJ and I would be remiss if we didn’t mention his truly beautiful hands and long fingers. According to this random palm reader website, people with long fingers are inquisitive, introspective, logical, intelligent, and patient with a love of detail, see also David Howell “The Edge” Evans and maybe one or two other subversive guitarists in the history of rock.
PJ: Yes, the subset of U2 fans known collectively as Edgelets have been known to walk around muttering the word “handsss” under their breath. And sometimes over it.
Kelly: Handsss. Men often use facial hair to cover a weak chin or jawline. Edge has sported some kind of facial hair since the late 80s, even though he has an unimpeachable chin and a jawline for days. He has nothing to correct, so his facial hair acts as more of a decoration than anything else. This is a baller move.
Kelly: With one (spectacular) exception, Edge has long been a goatee devotee. That style of beard became popular in the 19th century. Columnist Edith Sessions Tupper of the Chicago Chronicle (1895–1908) condemned the goatee, claiming it was indicative of a man who was “selfish, sinister, and pompous as a peacock." That sounds kind of hot, though…? And I don’t think it’s an accident that Edge adopted this style at the exact same moment that Bono took on a persona who was selfish, sinister, and pompous as a peacock. As far as I know, no one else has made that connection. You’re welcome for this Achtoonbaby exclusive, and I’ll see you at the next U2 Conference.
PJ: Fun fact: Edith Sessions Tupper also wrote a screenplay called For Love Or Money (repetition of “MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney” implied). Kelly, I urge you to submit your theory to the Conference!
Kelly: I don’t think the fandom is ready.
PJ: Prepare ye, fandom, the way of The Kelly!
Kelly: Edge’s slim frame allows him to wear whatever he wants. I’ve often said that an off-duty Edge dresses like a child most of the time: t-shirts, jeans, athletic shoes, and hoodies or jackets. On-duty Edge decorates these basic looks with fringe, bedazzling, and strategic rips. But was I the only one who raised an eyebrow when, about ten years ago, he began wearing what some might call golf shirts? Or polo shirts? You know, the preppy ones with collars and a few buttons? The difference between golf shirts and polo shirts is this: golf shirts have a more premium look and are less restrictive than polo shirts. Edge’s are tighter than golf shirts, but they’re certainly way more expensive than polo shirts (I priced one of them from Givenchy at over $1700). So he’s wearing embellished designer hybrids that defy categorization and Bono’s staunch anti-golf stance. It’s like he’s daring us to call him out for wearing shirts that are, on the average man, the antithesis of rock ‘n’ roll, and what is that if not subversive?
PJ: He is clearly a dangerous radical. He should cut eye holes into his beanie and pull it down like a balaclava. The Terror of the Back Nine at Pebble Beach!
Kelly: Disturbing imagery, Peej! You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire Pop aesthetic was designed around Edge. While his stage costumes tend to take a backseat to Bono’s, Edge’s cowboy persona was the tour’s stylistic centerpiece. He was a cowboy the likes of which the world had never seen, and to this day I marvel at him as if he were an objet d’art.
PJ: Pop Cowboy Edge was absolute camp and he fully embraced it! A more mature Edge brought the cowboy hat back for a couple of magazine shoots sometime around 2004. He had acquired some fine lines around his eyes by then, and I hope I’m not dating myself when I say he made an exquisite Marlboro Man—peeking out from under the brim of that hat like he was about to ride off into the sunset.
Kelly: During the run-up to Popmart, Edge dressed in a way that was staggeringly subversive. An insightful PJ once called this style “Miami Sleaze Edge.” To dress like Miami Sleaze Edge, you’re going to need most of the following: men’s (or possibly women’s??) slacks—and they must be slacks— in unusual colors and shiny/synthetic fabrics, retro sunglasses and accessories, questionable footwear, shirts (blouses??) that are probably polyester, occasionally lacy, and definitely showcase some chest hair, or you could just go with a thin white tank top tucked into the slacks, and if you’re cold, you’re going to want some kind of vinyl jacket that wouldn’t look out of place on Shaft.
Kelly: Top this off with a geometrically-precise haircut that lets the world know you have indeed lost a fair percentage of your hair and you don’t give a fuck anymore, and, of course, the pornstache to end all pornstaches. I’m just going to leave this here.
PJ: Miami Sleaze Edge should have been accompanied by a wah-wah pedal soundtrack every time he so much as walked across a room! But I’m still stuck on how to put across the subversiveness of his hotness. I mean, I know what I mean by that, but how do I explain it? Here’s one idea: Remember when Bono accused Edge of having “psychotic restraint” because he refused to tack a traditional solo onto “With Or Without You?” That stuck with me. Edge is under control. He looks placid most of the time. His features might be a little otherworldly but they are harmonious. Yet something in his stance, and certainly in his musicianship, implies power being tamped down or held back. And sometimes, he can look really fierce.
Kelly: A distinct vibe surrounds Edge, and I think it can be summed up this way: It’s always the quiet ones. Speaking as a quiet one, I can confirm that it is ALWAYS us.
PJ: It is definitely always youse. Which reminds me: U2 have rarely been more subversive than when they made the video for “Numb,” in which Edge—looking beautifully angular and daisy-fresh with his newly landscaped eyebrows—endures a series of uncomfortable and potentially violent attacks upon his person and personhood. Does he crack? Not once. Even thirty years later, it’s uncomfortable to watch. Hot? Yeah, in a certain kinda way.
Kelly: Edge would easily win any staring contest. He is one of a kind, and for most of his life he has existed in a unique environment where he has never needed to be anything other than himself. As a result, he exhibits a brand of confidence most unusual people do not possess. They’ve spent their lives attempting to hide their strangeness. Meanwhile Edge came to get down! He doesn’t shy away from acting like an oddball (see that 1993 Rolling Stone grid of Edge in nine robotic poses, see him in the “Elevation” video, see Pop Edge at all times, see him proudly unleashing his falsetto, and see his unhinged list-speeches at the Grammys).
PJ: I think “make Edge say crazy shit at awards shows” might be an approved U2 strategy, because who expects such absurdity to come out of that serene alabaster countenance?
“They will never know what I am thinking behind my serene alabaster countenance.”
PHOTO CREDITS!
Edge in red by Anton Corbijn. Chris collage from Hollywood Reporter. Exhibits A and B by Theo Wargo (hard to read) and unidentified fan photo (let us know if you are the photog, and please accept our hearty congratulations on this beautiful picture). Edge watercolor by Kelly based on a photo by Inchy, 2018. 1979 Edge with his face and his hands by Hot Press. Impossible to find a source for black lace Edge, please let us know, abject congratulations. Edge with no hat and cross t-shirt by Anton Corbijn, please let us into your photo vault. Bono and Edge talking about soil is a screenshot from Channel 4. Bono with pink laser eyes is a screenshot from CBS Sunday Morning. Google can’t find Edge with his snazzy polo shirt, sorry, and we wish the photog had caught him with his eyes open (sometimes that’s impossible to do). Cowboy Pop Edge by S. Granitz. Older cowboy Edges by Anton Corbijn, WE THINK, from a magazine, prossibly Spin. Various sleaze photos are most likely Anton too, right? Let us know. Fierce Edges probably by Anton (cropped), tragically unknown sepia master, Mimi French, and an unknown photographer at The Golden Tiki in Las Vegas: all of you are blessed. Serene Alabaster Countenance by Gary Gershoff. Everything else: images and screenshots from official U2 releases.