The Moon In Your House—By Kelly
B&E Moon, watercolor by Kelly Eddington, 2024. Based on a photo by the wonderful (and 2024 IPF Bench Press World Champion!) Mimi Frank, @mimibikini on IG.
The Moon In Your House
Kelly Eddington
For the past few years, I’ve been a fan of a podcast called Poog, where comedians Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novac have rambling and hilarious conversations about everything under the sun with occasional mentions of health and beauty products. They're what a younger, Hollywood version of PJ and I would be like if you took U2 out of the equation.
Last month on Poog, Jacqueline had a revelation about celebrities that knocked the wind out of me, and it’s been on my mind ever since. If the embedded post below doesn’t work for you, click here to watch!
EXACTLY, I thought.
I can’t improve on the idea that seeing a celebrity in the wild is like having the moon appear inside your house, but I thought it might be fun to expand on it and put U2 into the equation.
So. For pretty much anyone who is reading this, U2 are The Moon. Let’s say you somehow manage to meet one (or more) of them, accidentally or on purpose, and experience that “moon inside your house” feeling. Then what?
What do we as human beings actually want to do with the moon? A list:
1. Acquire rocks. In the case of U2, rocks are autographs. Why would you go to the moon and not try to take a little piece of it home with you?
2. Collect data. During your limited time with the moon, you must get it together and use your senses to glean as much information as you can. What does the moon, which you’ve only ever encountered from afar or in two dimensions, look like in 3D, in natural light and filter-free, and standing right the hell in front of you? What does the moon sound like sans amplification? What does the moon smell like? Do you dare to touch the moon? Maybe just the sleeve of the moon’s jacket, or what if you were able to shake the moon’s hand? What does that hand feel like? Is it soft? Calluses? Is it strong, or is it kind of delicate? You will have maybe ten seconds to gather this data while you attempt to act like a person. Can you maintain your cool? Will the moon be okay if you cry because this is The Moon we’re talking about, The Actual Moon??
3. Plant your flag. This is a bold assumption, but what if you are able to give the moon a little gift or say something that might stick with the moon temporarily? Congratulations. You’ve planted your flag on the moon.
4. Hop around in lower gravity. The atmosphere that surrounds U2 has the power to literally move people: we jump, scream, and are generally giddy in their presence. Everything feels different and fun…exactly how the moon’s lower gravity would feel, right? Who wouldn’t want to hop around in a bumbling kind of way with minimal effort? Also please note: without protective gear, you can’t breathe when you’re on the moon. This explains the phenomenon of sensitive people fainting or at least doubling over after they encounter U2.
5. Take pictures of the moon’s surface. Otherwise it didn’t happen.
6. Look at the earth from a new perspective. If U2 is the moon, the earth is your terrestrial life spent listening to their music. When you are on/with the moon and regard the earth, does it seem even more beautiful and special? It has to, right?
7. Experience the moon with a friend. Astronauts go to space in small groups, and if you have a brush with the moon, of course you will want a pal to be there with you as a witness. And then you can enjoy that bittersweet post-moon afterglow together and obviously discuss every little thing you noticed about the moon in excruciating detail.
8. Post-moon decompression. Once the moon has moved on, you’re going to get “the bends” if you reintroduce yourself to normal life too quickly. Discussing every little thing you noticed about the moon in excruciating detail with a pal will enable you to come down safely.
9. Return from the moon forever changed. Astronauts are not like the rest of us, are they? The moon has the power to change people, at least for a while. And let’s face it, U2 fans who have had especially intense or repeated encounters with the band are not like regular fans. Right? There’s a vibe about them, and maybe it’s good, or maybe it’s bad, or maybe it’s just weird, but I’m telling you, their vibe is real.
As you’ve read about the moon here, maybe this lyric entered your mind: The sun is sometimes eclipsed by a moon.
Indeed! So if U2 continues to be the moon in this metaphor, what is the sun?
The sun is the music business.
Did you know that Europe has experienced three total solar eclipses since 1980, when U2’s first album was released? I can name three times when the U2 moon eclipsed the rest of the music business:
Live Aid
The Joshua Tree
Achtung Baby/ZooTV
U2 have created plenty of partial eclipses (Red Rocks, 360, Sphere, Superbowl, SOI release), but I don’t think anyone can deny the impact of my three U2 total eclipses, which occurred when U2 were at the top of their creative game, did something exceptionally noteworthy, or raised the stakes.
In conclusion, U2 = The Moon. And when you meet them, it’s like the moon is in your house.
PS: they belong to everyone.