Dear BaE Volume 24: Pet
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear BaE,
No disrespect but I just want to point out that on December 1, it will have been seven (SEVEN) years since you guys released Songs of Experience, your last full album of new songs. What gives? This is a long gap, even for you.
Tim W., Minnesota
Fake Edge: Hi Tim. Yes, it is rather a long gap but it’s not like we haven’t kept busy. In 2019, we toured Australia, New Zealand, and several countries in Asia–
Fake Bono: Yes! We even played in India for the first time! We gave you “Ahimsa!”
Fake Edge: Yes, we certainly gave you that. And then there was this small pandemic thingy.
Fake Bono: Just a wee one. A mere blip, really.
Fake Edge: And in the middle of that blip, the two of us went off to Ukraine, an actual war zone, and played in a bomb shelter. I mean, who else does that?
Fake Bono: Subsequently, you were all blessed with me book what I wrote meself, with me pen. Not to mention me innovative book tour-slash-one-man show. I believe PJ here called it “the bravest thing” she ever saw, and I never disagree with PJ.
Fake Edge: Nor should you. And then! We gave you Songs of Surrender, four album-sides of delicately re-imagined songs spanning our entire career, which Bono and I basically whispered to each other from our separate bedrooms during lockdown.
Fake Bono: We missed each other terribly.
Fake Edge: We really did. And then, just about a year ago, we opened…Sphere.
Fake Bono: OMG, Sphere.
Fake Edge: I love Sphere.
Fake Bono: And Sphere loves Edge, too.
Fake Edge: Do you really think so?
Fake Bono: I know so. Hey, what are you doodling over there?
Fake Edge: Well, it’s me. Walking my pet Sphere.
*
Fake Bono: Pull yourself together, The Edge. Anyway, with all of this being the case, we do actually have a new album almost ready to go. And rest assured it’s a full-on, fuckedy-uppedy, balls-to-the-wall sensory assault of LITERALLY on-fire guitars, head-pounding bass, and totally fecking off-tha-hook drums from the rejuvenated and revitalized Larry Mullen, Jr. I hope you delicate flowers are able to survive the level of rock’n’roll aggression we’re about to unleash because several prominent producers could not handle it at all.
Fake Edge: That’s right, Bono. But while you wait to have your ears blasted off, probably sometime next year, who knows, we have a fabulous Christmas present for our fans in the form of a free download of never-before-released Remixes of “Vertigo!” I shouldn’t do this, but here’s the track list:
Vertigo - The Imperfecto Mix
Verti Go Bragh - The St. Patrick Hotel Mix
Vertigogo - The Nancy Sinatra’s Boots Mix
Vortigern - The 5th Century British Warlord Mix
Vertigo (Hello Hello) - The Extended Mix ft. Adele & Lionel Richie
Vertigo Eternal - it’s just that opening riff but it goes on for 25 minutes
Fake Bono: What about the mix where I just go “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeaaahh” for 25 minutes?
Fake Edge: We’re not releasing that one.
Fake Bono: Oh, come on.
Fake Edge: No.
Dear BAE,
What is the worst thing you love and the best thing you hate? For example, I love pineapple on pizza and I hate coffee. How about you two?
Zoe2u, via Twitter
Fake Edge: Now that—THAT is a question.
Fake Bono: Color me stupefied. I don’t even know how to approach this one.
Fake Edge: I don’t think we can take this question dead-seriously. I mean, I love my children. Which one is the worst? None of them!
Fake Bono: And I hate war atrocities. Which one is the best? None of them!
Fake Edge: So it’s got to be something more whimsical.
Fake Bono: It could be about us. Edge, what’s the worst thing I do that you love?
Fake Edge: I need to think about this. Do you mind if I take a quick jog around the exquisitely landscaped grounds of Achtoon Tower?
Fake Bono: Be my guest.
Fake Edge: In the meantime, maybe you could entertain our readers in some way.
Fake Bono: Consider it done. Come back with a snack!
Fake Edge: [exits]
Fake Bono: Hello, dear readers. I trust all of you are having a delightful spring?
PJ: [yelling from the break room] IT’S OCTOBER! LESS THAN ONE MONTH BEFORE…FUCK! HOW OUT OF TOUCH ARE YOU?? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE YOUR COLUMN?
Fake Bono: Oh my. I suppose it has been a while. What can I say? Time flies when you’re crashing random cabaret acts in Monte Carlo and serenading Hollywood royalty. My apologies. Come with me, dear reader. Let’s look out the window and see if we can spot Edge down there…oh yes. Look at him go. Did you notice that during our Sphere residency, his hair was just a wee bit longer than usual? Here, let’s watch this video of our hero in his favored habitat.
Fake Bono: That fluffiness, my friends, is the result of an ongoing, two-pronged campaign instigated by the lovely Morleigh and myself. Our goal? The return of his early 90s TINY BRAIDED MAN-BUN. Remember that? We just wanted to see if we could get him to do it. I feel like it should be longer by now, though, if it is in fact one year later.
Fake Edge: Hair grows at the rate of six inches per year.
Fake Bono: Where is my snack?
Fake Edge: Please enjoy this Sakura Kinako Kit Kat. It features a blend of cherry blossoms and roasted soybean powder.
Fake Bono: Huh. Want some?
Fake Edge: No thank you.
Fake Bono: Well, I don’t know about you, but I can answer part of Zoe’s question. The best thing Edge does: he is hardcore about nutrition, and good for him, but I hate it because it’s impossible to truly enjoy my little treats under his judgemental gaze.
Fake Edge: Fair enough. The best thing Bono does: he creates visual art. But come on now. Your recent drawings of me hurt my feelings.
Fake Bono: Ouch.
Fake Edge: That’s what I said.
Drawing by Bono.
Fake Bono: I apologize for that. Your singular beauty is impossible to capture.
Kelly: [yelling from the break room] IT IS NOT!
Fake Bono: I suppose Penguin Random House flooded me with yes-people during the whirlwind illustration phase of Surrender: 40 Songs, One Story, which I’m told will soon be released in paperback! U2 completists will want to purchase at least several copies for their collections.
Fake Edge: Congratulations, B.
Fake Bono: And now! On to the fun half of the question. What’s the worst thing Edge does that I love? Why, he obsesses over our songs to the point of exhaustion and madness. But I love this because he makes the rest of us look good as we bask in his reflected genius. How about that, Edge?
Fake Edge: I’m flattered as always by your praise.
Fake Bono: And what is the worst thing I do?
Fake Edge: You still smoke on occasion.
Fake Bono: But you love it because…?
Fake Edge: The cigarette smoke reminds me of our early days, back when we were touring the world and seeing amazing things for the first time. The smoke takes me back to small clubs that eventually became stadiums and to rickety old vans that eventually became private jets. Your cigarettes transport me to those beautiful years when we were discovering our true selves. Your cigarettes are little time machines. And sometimes you share them with me.
Fake Bono: …Ah, Edge.
Fake Edge: Yeah.
Fake Bono: And that’s another column in the plastic pumpkin, U2 fans — you sickly-sweet mound of candy corn! To paraphrase yer man, Alden Solovy, “Creator Spirit, put an end to anger and hatred, bigotry and fear, and lead us to a time when no one suffers at the hand of another.”
We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on The Site That Will Always BeTwitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.
* Drawing of Edge walking his pet Sphere by PJ.