Dear BaE Volume 22: The Sphere
Welcome to our little advice column! You really can ask us (almost) anything, but please note: Dear BaE is written by two people who wish to remain anonymous, for entertainment purposes only. Neither Bono nor Edge are involved in any way except as they exist in our tiny little brains. No Bonos or Edges were harmed during the creation of this column. Enjoy!
Dear Fake Bono and Fake Edge,
What can we expect when we see you at the Sphere? And should we refer to it as “The Sphere” or just “Sphere”?
Love,
Alice
Fort Lee, NJ
Fake Edge: Hi, Alice. I want to answer your second question. In my experience, “The” can be dropped for informal, among-friends usage. However, when one wants to be more ceremonial or make some kind of saucy point, a “The” should be employed.
Fake Bono: Yes. In that case, I encourage one to really lean into it and pronounce it as “Thee.”
Fake Edge: … Bono?
Fake Bono: What?
Fake Edge: I’m in love with the Sphere.
Fake Bono: I KNOW YOU ARE
Fake Edge: Dropping its “the” seems wrong. “I’m in love with Sphere”: I can’t quite get behind that. But “I’m in love with the Sphere” sounds right to me. And I don’t feel like we need to capitalize its “the.”
Fake Bono: In summation, we are calling it “the Sphere.”
Fake Edge: Agreed. And I realize some fans are trying to avoid spoilers regarding our shows this fall, so if you are one of those people, please stop reading right now.
Fake Bono: We have been keeping our mouths shut regarding the Sphere’s truly explosive innovations for far too long, and we are prepared to share them now as a reward to you, our beloved readers.
Fake Edge: This is classified information, okay?
Fake Bono: We can trust them. So apart from the absolutely unprecedented quality of the sound and visuals, what can we tell people to expect at the Sphere, The Edge?
Fake Edge: I am so excited to answer this question.
Fake Bono: I can tell! Your face moved!
Fake Edge: To begin with, the Sphere knows each and every ticket-holder by name. As you enter, you will hear a personalized greeting. For example, “Hi Steve!” “Hi Aiysha!” “Hi Kabir!” “Hi Megan!” And you can relax knowing that the Sphere will detect and eradicate all Covid-19 particles and droplets that may enter its atmosphere.
Fake Bono: That’s amazing.
Fake Edge: I know! Oh, read the part about the smells.
Fake Bono: Right. “For the month of September, the Sphere will smell like cinnamon rolls. In October, it will switch to cider doughnuts and pumpkin spice. These scents will linger through mid-November, at which time there will be an abrupt switch to Christmas tree, peppermint and hot cocoa.”
Fake Edge: When you touch any part of the Sphere, it sighs happily.
Fake Bono: Oh, all the venues do that.
Fake Edge: What? No they don’t!
Fake Bono: Really? For me they do.
Fake Edge: …Just keep reading.
Fake Bono: “Hidden vents spaced regularly throughout the Sphere will release perfectly legal hits of dopamine and oxytocin every ten minutes. These are hormones that your body produces naturally: the hormones of pleasure and love, respectively. No one is sad or lonely inside the Sphere.” Is this really “perfectly legal?”
Fake Edge: It gets better: “Once you are seated in the Sphere, make sure to look for the special button on your armrest labeled ‘Hug.’ Press the button and the seat will hug you. You can adjust the hug for pressure and duration.”
Fake Bono: Again, the question of legality comes to mind.
Fake Edge: Don’t worry, these hugs aren’t inappropriate in any way. Just comforting.
Fake Bono: Reassuring, yet disappointing. And what about our friends in the G.A.? No seat hugs for them?
Fake Edge: Well, that’s where it gets interesting. The majority of our fans are not getting any younger. Asking them to stand in one spot for over four consecutive hours (plus god knows how long they plan to wait outside the Sphere) seems unsympathetic. But listen to this: “The G.A. floor will be be made of space-age orthotic materials that will provide comfort, support, and cushioning to the feet. The floor will absorb shock and alleviate discomfort caused by prolonged standing.” And between you and me, Bono? We’re experimenting with…gravity modification. I’ll say no more.
Fake Bono: Hmm. Anyway, “The Sphere knows that the last few years have been kind of rough. The Sphere just wants you to be okay.” This is ridiculous, Edge. Does it also have a Severance elevator?
Fake Edge: Oh stop. You’re gonna love this bit: the Sphere knows instinctively which band member is your favorite. So for example, if Adam is your crush, the Sphere will enhance the bassline of each song, just for you. And if you are so inclined, Adam will visit you in the form of a hologram and let you touch his hair.
Fake Bono: I feel like Adam’s fans are gonna want to touch more than just his hair.
Fake Edge: Again, legality.
Fake Bono: Legality. So what part can they touch if I’m their favorite, Edge?
Fake Edge:
Fake Bono: The answer is, my soul. They can touch my soul.
Fake Edge: That’s what I was gonna say.
Fake Bono: And they’ll be able to give your hologram a chaste peck on the cheekbone of their choice. Both are equally magnificent.
Fake Edge: Why, thank you. Given all of these feel-good innovations, our fans may worry that we are losing our edge, for lack of a better term. They should be advised that during the inevitable MacPhisto portion of the show, things will get dark.
Fake Bono: “When MacPhisto appears, a disturbing scent that is a combination of brimstone, discontinued lipstick, and an overripe, leather-based musk”—eww, Edge—“will waft around the Sphere. The ambient temperature will temporarily increase to 95F degrees. Additionally, MacPhisto’s voice will whisper into each audience member’s ear a personalized message that begins with ‘I saw what you did’ and concludes with whatever that audience member did.” I don’t remember authorizing any of this!
Fake Edge: Well, what was I supposed to do when you were on your little one-man book tour? I had plenty of time to think.
Fake Bono: An idle Edge is truly the devil’s workshop.
Fake Edge: As you may know, large bags and purses are not allowed inside the Sphere. In fact, the size restriction for bags is 6x6x2 inches.
Fake Bono: That seems oddly specific.
Fake Edge: Here’s why. “Prior to Sphere entry, all bags will be inspected.” Now, our fans are used to this. But! “Upon inspection, a pygmy marmoset will be secretly inserted into each bag.”
Fake Bono: So. A little monkey.
Fake Edge: A little monkey! Pygmy marmosets find comfort in small spaces, and each one will be trained to disable a phone. All concert audio will be at a frequency outside of the marmosets’ hearing range, and they will snuggle in our ticket-holders’ bags for the duration of the show. After that, the marmosets will restore the phones, and their presence will cheer up our audience members during the inevitable post-show bereavement period.
Fake Bono: You’re telling me that we’re giving away thousands upon thousands of little monkeys.
Fake Edge: Yes. They’ll be yours to keep, fans! And they will come in five varieties. Please refer to this diagram, B.
Fake Bono: …Did Gavin approve this?
Fake Edge: Whole-heartedly. He’s currently supervising the training of the pygmy marmosets.
Fake Bono: While this idea is literally apeshit crazy…I find myself wanting to collect them all, Edge.
Fake Edge: Can you even imagine how cute they’ll be?
Fake Bono: Their tiny faces…!
Fake Edge: Obviously this is cutting into our budget in a major way, so sacrifices had to be made. Visually, we’re just gonna recycle 2018’s crudely-drawn figures that vaguely resemble us.
Kelly Eddington: [wailing in a distant room]
Fake Bono: Oh, those? That guy had no understanding of the shape of your head.
Fake Edge: It’s fine. Because monkeys.
Fake Bono: And that’s another column in the biodegradable leaf bag, U2 fans — you squirrel-stash of crunchy acorns! As yer man Andres Segovia said, “Lean your body forward slightly to support the guitar against your chest, for the poetry of the music should resound in your heart.” We love you!
Do you have a burning question for Fake Bono and Fake Edge? Follow them on The Site That Will Always BeTwitter (@DearBAEatu2) and ask! They are capable of answering questions about U2, questions that are related to U2, and questions that have nothing to do with U2 at all.
Note: Fake Bono and Fake Edge are not real. They are two people pretending to be them. They cannot put you in touch with U2. They cannot help you with your music career, and they have no plans to come to Brazil anytime soon.